I just finished watching Dateline NBC – yea I know, I’ve been watching a bunch of TV, not really able to do too much else. It was all about that Colonel at Trenton Air Force base in Ontario who just happened to also be a serial rapist, serial killer and serial stealer and wearer of women’s underwear. The few, the proud – indeed…
How does that happen? How can he so completely compartmentalize his life – his double life. By all accounts a highly respected, well-regarded, decorated, commander of the largest air force base in the country on one hand and then pretty much the exact dictionary definition of the opposite of that on the other hand.
Ok, Yea I get it, we’ve all had to back-hand our fair share of women who got out of line, but killing them…. I mean really! Dinner would have to be pretty late to take such drastic steps…… oh, hang on….. I’m being awarded the prize for single most offensive line written on the internet this week. Ha of course I’m kidding, sadly that statement is nowhere near the most offensive thing written online in the past week… it actually comes in around the 9,532,712th most offensive thing…. clearly, I have a lot to learn about being offensive. But I’m no quitter.
When things aren’t going very well for me, I tend to gravitate to more “dark” forms of entertainment, serial killer and horror type movies and books. I suppose this is probably the worst thing I can do, I need to watch more Disney, you know feel good, positive stories of redemption and good ultimately triumphing over evil. I just can’t do it. I end up ruining the movies for everyone else by making sarcastic comments and pointing out obvious flaws in the internal logic of the piece, which are often massive… I guess they were hoping you’d be so smitten with the story you’d never notice… well I notice.
It’s mostly this foul mood that been messing with my writing. I know these last few posts have been disjointed, uneven, devoid of flow – it hasn’t felt right for me, most nights I have no idea where I’m going, I just start writing and something eventually starts to materialize, I just write and then I delete all the words that don’t make for a good read. I know, I know you could never tell, judging by the crap I put up here some nights. But believe me, writing between 500 and 1000 words a day, everyday – is not easy. Crap or not.
Before it was a bit easier because for the time I was writing my mind was focused on the writing and therefore NOT on whatever drama I was dealing with at the time. But now, I’m losing that ability – I’ve never been in Afib/Flutter this long, we’re coming up on 6 weeks. The introduction of the Warfarin, where I keep waiting to somehow morph into the elevator from “The Shining” and sprout blood…..
Probably not gonna happen, but no matter how tiny the possibility, it could… I think all this worrying, for all this time – has stuck my worry button in the on position. Being unemployed certainly doesn’t help, just adds a fresh layer of hellish concern, it’s like the spicy salad dressing on top of the grief salad. I’m getting lots of feedback and encouragement to stay positive, keep focused on the good things – how, how do you do that?
Obviously I can’t afford to throw in the towel, whatever that means, but right now – from here, someone remind me, exactly what the positive is?
I think the only real option open to me here now, is to look at trying to pick up some freelance work. That won’t be easy, the thought of getting out and hustling for clients right now is… hard. There is no way I could go to a “job” right now, not even part-time… I’ll start trying to get my “documents” in order and then see what I can find. I will also put out a general call to Y’all to keep your eyes and ears open for anyone needing some beautiful design or advertising work done….
I’m sure you probably think I exaggerate when I say, even getting up has the ability to wipe me out…. I’m not and it does…. getting up from my desk and walking to the bathroom, by the time I get to the bathroom I am breathing through my mouth, like after you regular people have gone for a wee jog… it’s just crazy. Getting up too fast also has the ability to nearly make me pass out. If I’m stationary for too long, sometimes I forget and get up normally, then I get like three minutes of how I imagine a good old-fashioned 60′s acid trip to be, I get dot popping and floating in my eyes, light-headed, the room gets all twisty – then I go to my safe place until I “settle.” Maybe I should be getting 0ne of those “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” button things.
OK well, I could go on and on but I guess whining doesn’t get me anywhere, feels Ok but has no real medicinal properties… I suppose I keep writing partly because I’m putting off going to bed, hey here’s a surprise that you probably never ever would have been able to guess – I’m not sleeping very well….. I feel so so bone weary tired but as soon as I hit the pillow, my brain lights up like times square…
Sorry, folks bit of a downer today, every so often I write one for me… you’re my anonymous gripe release valve. Saves me dumping all over all my various children and girlfriends…. It’s OK, I’m sure the situation is temporary, but my god, sometimes temporary might as well be infinity.
Have a Great Day