The Bell Tolls…. for Pandas

How long can someone get by on looks alone? If there is one animal who has traded on his looks for far too long, it would have to be the Panda. OK yea, I get it you are exceptionally cute – look at the little fella below, cute, definitely, that is not in question…

But if you take a minute to break down the whole Panda situation – it all unravels and just how ridiculous they are becomes apparent – cuteness aside. First off, the name “Giant Panda” – – where do you get off adding the “giant” to your name, unless it’s ironic, then it’s funny BUT I doubt you can even spell Ironic much less use it in a sentence…… (Ailuropoda melanoleuca, your latin name, literally meaning “cat-foot black-and-white”)…. ummm not exactly super – butch for someone who considers himself a member of the bear family. You are easily recognized by large, distinctive black patches around the eyes, over the ears, and across your round body. Wow, ah, so I’m assuming you adopted this particular camouflage pattern so you could hide out where exactly? Pile of Oreos, tuxedo factory, Penguin Spa? WTF? You live in a lush green tropical forest, what’s with the black and white? Oh wait… this just in…..

Chalk it all up to low ink. Though it belongs to the order Carnivora, the Giant Panda’s diet is 99% bamboo. Fail….

Initially the primary method of breeding Giant Pandas in captivity was by artificial insemination, as they seemed to lose their interest in mating once they were captured. This led some scientists to try extreme methods such as showing them Panda Porn and giving the males Viagra…. another fail….

Then as your social circles dry up you end up hanging out with all sorts of bad influences…..

….why do you make it so hard for me to like you – I want to I really do, but you keep throwing up roadblocks and I won’t wait forever….. clean up your act Panda.

Have a Great Day.