The Odyssey & Eternal Hellfire – Part 6

Where at first I was cold & reluctant to embrace all my caregivers with open arms and puckered lips, now with each passing day I found myself welcoming their omnipresence. You could simply sit back and not worry about a thing, because you were being taken care of, down to the most miniscule of details. Your food arrived and was promptly cleaned away after you had finished, your medications arrived in neat little paper cups with some water or juice to help wash them down. You were told when to get up, when to sit down, when to lie down, if you should take a nap or not, even told and encouraged to try and use the little boys room.

Underneath all this nurturing, was the subtle & unspoken knowledge that not only were they doing all this for you, they were also keeping you alive. I mean no, I wasn’t in any imminent danger but IF, something should go wrong, these women would be my 911. That’s a pretty amazing thing, where & when else do you ever interact with a stranger on such a personal level? You don’t – it just never happens, they see & hear you sleep, they empty your pee bag, they clean up vomit, and much worse and for the most part they do it in a pleasant, friendly non-judgmental way. With compassion and genuine caring for the folks under their care – ensuring you maintain some type of dignity in the most un-dignified and vulnerable state you’re ever likely to be stuck in.


Which is why it was so difficult for me breaking into their lockers to steal their personal belongings.

I was completely over the whole Swedish nurse thing by now even though there were 2 or 3 very attractive nurses working on my ward BUT they never looked after me, I guess they knew enough to keep the line-backers and Bulgarian women’s shot-putters working with me and the hotties working with the gents too old to notice they were pretty. Well, either that or my charm was so powerful, they had put warnings on my chart, to ensure none of these young good-looking nurses would fall under my spell, Criss Angel style, cause that’s how I roll…. shooting fire out of my hands and making things disappear at will, shock & awe for all who witness my miracles. Some people call it magic, I call it just another day being me……

The SWAT pain team came by and said it was time to remove the epidural and once again, I was in a unique position, expecting them to remove huge chunks of my spine in the process…. or at the very least paralyze me from the waist down. But, here’s the thing I didn’t count on, these fellows seem to know what they’re doing, and it came out tickety-boo with nary a twinge, as a matter of fact the worst part was them ripping the big chunks of duct tape off my skin which they used to hold everything in place. So, with the epidural being removed, that caused the nurse to come over and say, OK, time to remove your catheter……

BUT….BUT wait… hold on, are you sure we should, couldn’t I just live with it. After all we’ve become rather close, intimate even…. doesn’t the old woman in the next bed need something, isn’t it time for your break, can I get a glass of water, want to see fire shoot out of my hands…… please JUST, for the ever-loving sake of Mary Mother of God, wait a minute….. “OH relax it won’t hurt and you’ll feel much better when it’s out”… look your little sister of lies was in here yesterday talking up a storm about how swell the whole chest tube removal will be — and I could care less about my chest, BUT where you’re heading, well that’s a different story…. it’s the nerve centre of the whole Death Star…

She was unmoved……… I felt somewhat less badly about stealing her iPod and pocket change from her locker later that afternoon.

I assumed the position…..

Ok so we were going to do this, OK, alright, I’ve got this, I can do it…. wonder twin powers activate…. She gathered about 3 big towels and again images of majestic, colourful, dancing water fountains in Las Vegas came to mind as I steadied for the pee soaking that was sure to follow. She bellied up to the bed, lowered the blankets, I blushed, she lifted the gown, I giggled, she took hold of the equipment, both mine and theirs, she twisted some device and the balloon deflated, I swooned, she told me on the count of three take a deep breath, ready… yes, be gentle with me I whispered, Ok here we go ONE, YANK… … Bloody Hell what happened to TWO and THREE, you lying bastard….. I mean, thank you nurse. Again, as she walked away she says over her shoulder see, that wasn’t so bad was it….. burn in eternal hellfire you witch… I mean no, it was fine, thank you nurse.

So I was minus the chest tube, the epidural and the catheter, I still had 3 IV’s in my arms, 2 right side and 1 on the left. I was also still hooked up with a 12 point EKG/ECG lead with a battery operated brain which sent my vitals out to every LCD on the floor, so when I was out walking the nurses could see what my heart was doing at any given time and I was still on Oxygen. Other than that I was no longer tethered to any machines and that certainly made getting around easier. I promised pictures so here we go, first one is with the outer dressing off…. the second one is of both dressings off and the third one is the day I was released… I know it’s a little premature because we haven’t gotten that far yet, but you’ve all been so good consider it a little treat. My white as a china doll, flawless porcelain skin for you all to ogle….




Pretty much that was it for that day, only a couple of days left before I was released back into the wild, with the song Born Free playing softly in the background…..

Have a Great Day.