Making Sweet Sweet Love to Germs & Bacteria
Even though I consider myself a Hero, I wouldn’t call myself a hero.
Of course I’m a role model, but entirely beside the point is this other point, I think I may have become something of a coward.
The cyclosporine is, as I’ve mentioned many times before an immunosuppressant – it’s one and only job is to suppress my immune system. My doctors told me that I would have to be particularly vigilant in the realm of cold & flu avoidance. Now it’s not like I used to go around licking doorknobs or running my nose up and down escalator banisters while inhaling deeply. Ok, there was that one time…. but tis neither here nor there… besides it was just a phase….
Previously, the only active participation I would engage in to avoid a cold was my intensely trying to stare down any cold germs floating my way in a microscopic battle of “made you blink” (not particularly effective, FYI) so this new susceptibility – where basically I am being turned into a gigantic funnel, an enormous tuning fork, dowsing rod, magnet type thing – beckoning out to each and every single germ and bacteria within oh say, 3000 miles – isn’t cool at all. Yet, it is my new reality, I am now number one with a bullet on these germs Hot List, oh hells yea, they all wanna git wit me….. if germs had a People magazine I would be this years sexiest man….
Where does the coward part come in? Well, Of course I don’t mean coward in the conventional sense, as a manager of things having to do and related to Cows – I mean it in a different way, like as in being fearful or having anxiety in regards to some action be it real or imagined. I’m afraid of getting sick. Have you ever been with other people and blasted out a sneeze or a runny-nosed sniffle or coughed and been on the receiving end of some heat seeking hatred eyes boring into you – wishing you nothing but a swift and painful death for having the nerve to breath in the same ecosphere as them. Well that’s me now.
If you are sick, yes yes – we are all very proud of your diligence and the incredible force of will you’ve clearly exerted in temporarily cheating death to come in to work – despite you clearly being nothing but a walking germ incubator. That’s fine, if you want to prolong the little weasels playing paintball in your body more power to you. But, when you take your damn germ incubator and, well, have you ever seen those shots of giant corn farms in Nebraska or Iowa and the old planes running over them crop dusting? Well my friend, that’s you. You are basically flying all over the place dropping your deadly cargo, creating a fine film of infected scuzz over everything in your wake.
Basically, I am Cary Grant (I wish I had a dollar every time I heard that) in North by Northwest and you are buzzing me with your crop duster, irregardless if this is your intention or not. You would be amazed to see how many people cough, sneeze or rub their runny nose then touch stuff other people are about to touch. Believe me, once you are vulnerable, you will see it EVERYWHERE! My doctors told me not only will I get more colds, but the ones I get will be more severe (awesome) and I run a real solid chance of it becoming neumonia, which is much stronger than that sissy strain spelled with a silent “P” you common folk occasionally contract……
Anyways, I carry on and sally forth because as I mentioned at the beginning of todays post, I am a Hero – and that is what heroes do… they sally forth…… I ask not for your pity or sympathy…..
……it’s cash money dollars I am waiting for… Do you have any idea how expensive a full biological-chemical air-tight suit goes for?
Have a Great Day!