Whether the knife falls on the melon or the melon on the knife, the melon suffers…

Aloha Y’all,

I’m sorry for not being able to post yesterday. I thought I saw Osama Bin Laden at the mall and gave chase…  turned out it was just some old greek lady with a fantastic beard. I felt kind of stupid after hiding in the bushes all night watching her house to see if I had discovered a sleeper cell…. I didn’t. But hey, on the plus side, remember a few posts back when I mentioned probably being on some secret CIA, FBI, CSIS list because of the things I mentioned in this blog – you can read it HERE. Now I’ve gone and done it – the only remaining target words I hadn’t used were Osama Bin Laden, and now I’ve gone and used them… if I wasn’t on the list before – I am now!

Been having lots and lots of heart action. It’s been very difficult to do too much of anything. Hey riddle me this? Why when all you are doing is sitting around do you seem to get more tired than when you are running around doing stuff. For example, I need like a three-hour nap after fixing a bowl of cereal now – and gods honest truth – I was considering just having it dry, because the whole opening the fridge, removing the milk, pushing open the cardboard spout, closing the cardboard spout and putting it back on the shelf, then closing the fridge door was just too monumental of a task…. Akin to summiting Everest… wow Chris, be more pathetic! You’ll be happy to know that in the end I opted for the milk… it’s been sitting on the counter for two days now. My kitchen is starting to smell like the inside of a cheese log.

So I’ve been on warfarin for 1 week today. I haven’t sprung any leaks yet. But here’s something funny and when I say that, I of course mean – not funny in any way, shape or form. For the purpose of this story I’m going to go ahead and assume you have all your fingers – take the pinky finger, pretty cute little fella, just sort of  a hanger-on, doesn’t really take the initiative and lead very often, he’s a follower… I think I could safely say, most of the time you don’t even know he’s there. He’s like the creepy stalker of the hand, always just off to the side of all the action, watching, observing the index finger and thumb – I’ll bet he’s so freaking jealous. You can hitch-hike with your thumb, or hang them in your waistband, you can give the thumbs up or down and the index finger, well, he’s a legend…. but the pinky, basically useless.

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Until, he gets hurt. Then it’s as if magically all the other fingers disappear and the only finger you can think of is the pinky. He seems determined to jump around and smash himself on every hard surface in sight. You keep banging him on stuff, you can’t grip anything correctly, it’s just horrible…

Well, I told you that – to tell you this…. since I’ve basically just become a gigantic zip-loc bag full of bloody and meat, every thing I do and every move I make I’m paranoid of getting cut. They went on at length about how careful I would have to be because I would be losing the ability to clot… blah, blah, blah – I figured I’m fine – it’s not like I was juggling scimitars anymore, well not professionally. Anyways, I’ve gone weeks without cutting myself – since I gave up being emo. Weeks I tell you, as have we all, BUT as soon as you are worried about getting cut, or pricked or stabbed or sliced… you wouldn’t believe how dangerous everything suddenly becomes..

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Seriously, I’m afraid of getting paper cuts from the wind, if the bed sheets have a particularly crisp crease, I walk the other way. Yes I know it’s highly unlikely that I’ll slice open my femoral artery with dental floss, probably never happen… what are the chances I’ll bleed out and lose a limb after a severe compound fracture suffered while making Jell-O… alright, granted probably not a huge chance but still within the realm of possibility.

Anyways, all I’m saying is when they tell you to NOT think about a pink elephant, it’s all you can think about. Now they’ve told me to be careful getting cut and it’s all I can think about. Which is a nice break from worrying about the heart so much….

Have A Great Day

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