Butt Tape & Blood on the Chicklets
Obviously the universe has made the decision that no matter what happens, it isn’t going to make this easy for me. Those who’ve been with me since the beginning are acutely aware of the difficulties and challenges I’ve come thru, one would think I had built up a certain amount of good will in the great scheme of things. Some kind of karmic credit…..HA! Total Crap!
If anything – the situation seems to be deteriorating. My breathing becomes more laboured every week and the heart can’t decide if it wants to play a waltz or hardcore thrash rock, punk, speed metal. Incredibly hard to find any equilibrium… the only constant – there is no constant. I know many of you have written to say the medical stuff and hearing about my adventures in medicine are the most enjoyable posts I write, but really – it just feels like so much of the same old, same old to me. I guess it’s still fresh and new for you all when you aren’t living with it constantly.
Knowing how many of you live vicariously thru me and delight in reading about my misery… sadistic weasels… all of you…. Let me tell you about latest frustrations/set-back/road blocks and anything else that conjures up images of insurmountability. When last we left our hero Buck (I’ll be playing the part of Buck in todays radio dramatization)… he was locked in a death grip in a fight to the death, with death himself.
While Jenny, his secretary and lover of many years, was just about to run into Janet – his illegitimate love child from his first wife Sara, Sara knew the only way out of the counterfeit ring holding her captive would be to marry the.. oh god, sorry wrong passage – I’m working on a new soap opera entitled simply “As the Guiding Restless Moron Turns Tomorrow” I think it’s going to be huge…
Anyways, the warfarin dose was quite high and I was starting to have reactions, for example I would spontaneously start bleeding from the gums… so at completely random times I would start tasting blood and it would start…. swallow a bunch, spit a bunch out… eventually it stopped with much rinsing, oh and I started chewing on tubes of Crazy Glue… that seemed to help but I found I wasn’t always as chatty as normal after that. Brushing my teeth was also quite the event. There’s one thing I’m quite fussy about, trying to retain the majority of my blood – call me old fashion. So when you brush your teeth, and I’m not talking about steel wool scrubbing, murder victim blood removing evidence destroying scrubbing, I’m talking about rather gentle, cleansing of the teeth, but spitting out a sink full of blood…. like that summer I trained with Mike Tyson.
If my mouth wasn’t bleeding I’d get spontaneous nose bleeds, so – much of the time there was blood leaking from my head in one form or another.
So there was that, every little nick cause me to bleed for days, I had a hangnail – I absent-mindedly pulled off, that didn’t really stop bleeding for 4 days. It kind of scabbed and then if I washed my hands or bent my finger too far or rubbed my finger on something, it would start bleeding all over again. Stuff like that, Oh and then the best part, POP QUIZ, where are the finest veins and capillaries in the body…. anyone, anyone, Bueller, Bueller…. anyone – correct, in the eyes, so I started getting all these spider vein things in my eyes as they started rupturing and so I had these shimmering pools of blood in both eyes, excellent if I ‘m on the lookout for a new goth girlfriend, or maybe applying for a Job to emotionally scar kids for life by the terror that is “Blood Eyes.” But in real life it’s less than ideal….
So there’s that… then, when coupled with the heart issues and just general fatigue and grumpiness.. well I’m quite certain I shan’t be winning Miss Congeniality at this years Toddlers and Tiaras festival. Which will be a shame because I’ve won the last three years running…
That’s Bethaney above, she’s a bitch. It’s just so unfair because when I’m competing I NEVER get a spray tan, it’s just cheating like steroids and sports… This one time during a pageant in El Paso, I asked her to borrow some butt tape for the swimsuit competition and she was all like NO, and I was all like well it’s not like you’ve got any butt to tape, and she’s like well at least mine isn’t gigantic and hairy – oh man it was on after that, major major slap fight…. anyways it was a huge thing and since then we don’t play anymore.
So despite all this wonderfulness and my being “tested” someone told me again that “God only gives you as heavy a load as you can carry” Ummmm. Ok thanks. By that reasoning shouldn’t I be pulling boxcars with my teeth by now? Dangling anvils from my nipples? Ripping through phone books with my eye lids?…. at the very least I should be strong enough to do that, shouldn’t I? Rather than getting weaker and more fragile week after week, having the energy to walk less and less….
Ok well that’s enough for today tomorrow I’ll tell you about death, the lab & blood test screw ups causing the doctors to blame each other…. and anything else I can think to put in….
See you tomorrow
Have a Great Day