The Matrix, Raccoons & Duct Tape

You know, I’ve never been one to publicly go on about conspiracy theories and secret societies running rampant and roughshod over us poor schmucks toiling away day after day here in the Matrix.

What the point? It’s not that I don’t believe in them, because I do…. almost every single one of them but really what’s the point. They are far too numerous and exist on every level of interaction to be noticed, kind of a hiding in plain sight type deal… The reason I don’t discuss them is the same reason I’m not always chatting everyone up about air. It’s there, we all know it’s there, what’s to discuss? Now if the air were suddenly to disappear – NOW we got something to talk about, or well I guess technically with no air, the conversation would be exceptionally short, I imagine something along the lines of “grrrghhhh” or some such….

Even though I don’t discuss them, I’m sure there are hundreds upon hundreds of secret “shadow” organizations running, shaping, managing every facet of the life we all lead. And yes, while I believe in what these “crack-pots” believe, every once in a while something slips through the cracks and manages to surprise even me.

A couple of days ago, I wrote a post about kitten tossing, it was harmless, good clean fun – it’s not like we skin and eat the little fellas after each competition. OK not EVERY time, and only the very worst kitten gliders… but something funny happened after that post. I don’t mean funny ha ha, I mean funny weird.

Well here, listen to this and tell me if you think it’s odd, it’s finally getting hot here in Vancouver, now that summer is over and so I like to head out in the late evenings, looking for random victims – ummm I mean, fresh air, occasionally I’ll run into a cat or skunk lumbering into some bushes and that’s that, but, the night after the posting, I was out walking following this young couple and I dropped my duct tape and balaclava, and as I was chasing it down, this raccoon steps out from behind a tree.

He just stands there, on his two hind legs, stands there looking at me.. then he says “are you… are you the guy who wrote about throwing the kittens” – Now we all know Raccoons are notoriously unfazed by humans, but this was different, this guy was angry, he was challenging me, he just stood there, eerily backlit, daring me to make the first move… I snapped this picture before beating a hasty retreat.


It spooked me, it was more than just another drunk Irish raccoon looking for a fight, he was looking for revenge, payback. I thank god I chose that night to take my Rascal Mobility Scooter out for my “walk” – I was able to easily outrun him and make my escape.

Little known piece of trivia about my neighborhood, most people have seen an occasional feral cat or dog, no big deal, a raccoon or skunk here or there… those of us in BC have on occasion seen or heard about people coming across a cougar or coyote, even the odd bear.

But as it turns out the climate in my immediate neighborhood is ideal for breeding ant eaters, and my god the population is exploding, they’re like rats. Turn on a light quickly and you’ll see half a dozen dart back into the shadows. Interesting and wondrous at first, then they become just like any other pest once you get used to seeing that enormous black tongue emptying an ant hill is four seconds flat.

So the very next day after the whole raccoon thing, I’m crawling through this field, in some tall brush – towards this couple on a picnic, and when I open my day pack to remove the piano wire, the woman suddenly screams and take off… so I get up all WTF, because I was sooo close and I know I was extra silent and there – in the clearing, is this badass ant-eater, and clearly, he isn’t happy.

Then he says, and I was frightened and moving quickly so I may have the actual phrasing wrong but he says something like “yea you better run bitch, now what – I’ll f- you up, throwing kittens, what kind of p*ssy bitch move is that” or something like that, and from the corner of my eye I see him make an extremely rude gesture involving his little ant-eater crotch – I didn’t hang around to debate.


So I guess the point here is that, the conspiracies aren’t limited only to people, animals have their own organizations, well-developed, motivated – new world order, biding their time, two leg hating organizations….

The moral, there’s no moral – just watch out, because they’re watching you. They’re all watching you….

Have a Great Day.