Angry Babies & Blood Work

I have been stuck more times than I care to remember, every vein has it’s own HOV lane now… I used to be the guy who went white at the thought of needles, my silver lining… heroin addiction was out of the question. Blood and more specifically, the removing of it from my body was directly responsible for  one of the two times I have passed out in my life…. let’s remember together…..

Grade 11 science class, we’re in a lab session – the objective seems harmless enough – prick your finger, place the resulting drops on slides and as a group, determine our blood type and thereby marvel at the wondrous gift that is life….

Really?! Really, your lesson plan includes equipping 16 and 17 year old boys with weapons and encouraging them to draw blood, look, high school is the closest most people get to being in prison and the inmates/students must be treated as such. Either coming back from lunch or laundry duty…. it’s all the same…. the dirty screws gotta take the time to pat em’ down…. for God’s sake don’t arm us once we’re in lockdown….. tough kids…. but still just kids…

Outwardly, so angry...inside, still struggling to free their inner child.... before shanking you.....

We’re split into groups and given the microscope slides and finger jabbers…. one swift poke on the tip of your finger produces at most 2 drops of blood, more than adequate for the slides….  the technique is Idiot proof…. nuh-uh…. for some reason this just doesn’t sit well with me and I decide that I’m going to mine for my blood, slowly digging through the layers  of skin until I reach my ruby riches….

So everyone starts jabbing away and loads up their slides, meanwhile, like a moron, I hunch over the edge of the lab table , and proceed to start digging through the various strata of my finger….now let’s take a moment to discuss physiology and self defense mechanisms… this amazing machine we call the body protects itself against invaders both foreign and domestic…. so you can’t go  hurting yourself without your body taking measures against the offender…

I was digging nice and slow, and wondering why I wasn’t getting any blood yet…. it sure seemed plenty deep enough…. well one of these self preservation mechanisms is to drain the extremities, such as fingers, and keep the blood circulating around the vital organs – hence no blood for me…. but I kept going…. slowly, it started getting dark – real gentle-like, creeping in from the edges.. darker and darker, kind of sleepy too…. ummm…. maybe I should lay down quickly… nope lights out. Passed out in Science class, laid-out flat on the floor….. that was the day I lost my viginity….

OK kidding about that last part but I’m hopeful it will happen soon.

Anyways needles don’t bother me anymore, actually considered getting a spigot hooked up.. or maybe one of those maple syrup tree sap dripping things…. just a thought.

Have a Great Day.