The Red Menace
Children with red hair, light skin, and freckles. We’ve all seen them. On the playground, at the store, walking on the streets. They creep us out, and make us sick to our stomachs. I’m talking, of course, about Ginger kids. Ginger kids are born with a disease which causes very light skin, red hair, and freckles. This disease is called “gingervitis.” Kids who have gingervitis cannot be cured. Because their skin is so light, ginger kids must avoid the sun, not unlike… vampires. Some people have red hair, but not light skin and freckles. These people are called “daywalkers.” Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse, and unless we work to rid the earth of that curse, the gingers could envelop our lives in blackness for all time. If you think that the ginger problem is not a serious one, think again… Most of you know me well enough to know that I have always been pathologically wary of gingers, always will be….
………try and tell me gingers don’t scare you….
Often we find truth in comedy, sometimes painfully close to the truth, a few years back South Park had a controversial episode about gingers being evil, going so far as to have tried to institute a “National Kick-A-Ginger Day” but the initiative never got off the ground…. while it was played for laughs, a little digging via some of my underground contacts quickly reveals the episode was sponsored by a off-shore public holding company with ties to the North Koreans, it is further suspected the situation is so dire Homeland Security has set aside its disputes with that troubled country – and in an unprecedented move is working together with Korean scientists on creating a vaccine.
Please don’t make the same mistake as so many of our fallen brothers and sisters – do not assume gingers are harmless and only stay out of the sun to minimize freckling…. I am putting myself and my family at great risk to ensure that you and your families remain safe…. to carry on….. after the ginger gestapo awaken and mobilize….
Alternately, (if you happen to know or be a ginger, please disregard previous message.. JK… JK…) you may call Russia the Red Menace because Canada is going to have to play phenomenal hockey to move on through to the Gold Medal game… Go Canada….
Have a Great day…..