Mark Twain, Burgers & Oily Vixens

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. ~ Mark Twain

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Is he an Idiot or a Prophet? Does this mean that you and I, all of us, are doomed to live a life of misery and perpetual longing hunger for whatever your own personal culinary Kryptonite may be  – Pizza, Chips, Chocolate, Ice Cream, Steaks, Burgers etc – in order to be healthy?

Although everything I currently struggle with is absolutely none of my doing, there was no trigger, no inciting action on my part that precipitated the health implosion. These issues just, are…. short of playing and living on high tension wires or being an exceptionally bad electrician – there is no way you can alter the electrical wiring of your heart, Myasthenia is not the result of making faces when I was a kid, and as Mom predicted, it stayed that way…. My immune system decided it didn’t want to be friends with certain nerves anymore – of course it’s possible they had words, some disagreement I’m not aware of and it ended in confrontation and hurt feelings. Who knows what goes on while we sleep…..

It’s been one of the most frustrating part of all the shenanigans – I mean if I was still drinking rubbing alcohol and Lysol, OK I get it – cleaning products do not a cocktail make, no matter how tasty. But I haven’t done that for years. As to the electricity issue, I get paranoid if I take too many calls on my cell phone, I’m positive deadly microwaves are cooking my grey matter from the inside out,  it’s the number one reason I often smell burning toast….

So what’s a body to do, we’ve all heard stories about hard-core grannies smoking, drinking and eating crap living to 100 and on the flip side  – vegan, daily joggers, lifetime exercising, health nuts dropping dead at 45. So what gives?

Well, I have no qualms with the betterment of all mankind. I certainly have no problem with the betterment of all mankind through promotion. And I definitely have no problem with this promotion through the beauty of the female form. Meet the Vegan Vixens, a group of women whose goal is to inspire men to live a longer and happier life by making healthier decisions about what they eat.

Well ahhhh, Ok I guess you’re kind of pretty in a dating 5 oily girls kind of way but give up burgers and sausage pizza? I don’t know, Ladies, I’m going to need to see more of your healthy eating platform before I decide to take the plunge. Come to think of it, exactly what are your credentials, able to walk in stilettos, hold a puppy and wear the heck out of underwear shorts does not really qualify you as nutritionists. However, being the humanist I am, I’m willing to see the topic from both sides before making any decision, I’m willing to hear them out….. just listen to their riveting platform…. “The goal of the Vegan Vixens is to alleviate the suffering of animals, to help people get fit/healthy and to stop global warming through music. The Vegan Vixens are the wave of the future, so book the Vegan Vixens to make your next event fun, exciting and memorable!!!” Book them for your next corporate event here.

So what’s the answer? Do I become anorexic again? Believe me, that right there, that’s a funny statement…. do I resume my super model diet of smokes, coffee and a triscut once a week. Do I live my life and do whatever I want, buying some industrial deep fryers start inventing things to dip in batter? Of course I’m kidding but only slightly, if you saw the movie Super Size Me, they had this guy who had eaten at least 2 Big Macs a day for 15 years and he was just fine, healthy as a horse… Seems to me, like almost everything in life, moderation is the key, indulge, be happy BUT be smart. There are times to stuff junk down your Gob, just as there are times to belly up to a salad and eat a piece of fruit for god’s sake.

I’m walking everyday, it’s strongly encouraged by the physio and surgeon. I started out with about 4 or 5 minutes 3 times a day, now I’m up to about 15 or 20 minutes 3 times a day, once you get moving there is a place you hit after about 6 minutes where you loosen up and the tightness melts away and you feel Ok, so you increase you speed incrementally – but your body and your mind don’t always work together – your mind is telling you “hey everything looks good, all systems go, no warning lights, go ahead, give’er”… BUT your body has other ideas, when you increase your walking speed, you increase your arm swing and Sweet Fancy Jesus in a Teacup if that doesn’t start to hurt like a Mothertucker. By the time you realize you’ve done too much, it’s too late and you sit around in pain for the next few hours – so, you need to keep reminding yourself, that even though your moron of a brain is telling you to go ahead and take those hurdles, you really aren’t ready for it, so just ease back on the throttle Maverick….

I am planning on coming out of this all, stronger, better, more conscious of what my body needs and how to best ensure the Temple stays Impressive, now if you’ll excuse me, I have an interview with a couple of the Vegan Vixens to discuss the proper use and care of leather……

Have a Great Day