Human Sharks & The Meat Sweats

OK…I’m really starting to get bored. I am not really a sit around type person, never have been and I expect I never will be. I am, the human shark, if some part of me isn’t moving, I’ll sink to the bottom and die – perpetual motion is the key.

I do have some mobility but not a whole heck of a lot and one can only sit or lie down for so long in a day, day after day before you start going a bit bonkers. While you are sitting there you want nothing more than to get up and start moving, get your blood pumping, revive some of the circulation that has the consistency and speed of frozen honey. Naturally, the second you get up and actually start moving, you can think of not a single thing in this world that would be more of a relief than sitting or laying down…. Aches and pain which didn’t exist seconds ago, now scream out in a cacophony of orchestrated misery.

And right there, right that instant you get a quick glimpse of yourself at age 72, and someone has made the colossal blunder of asking how you’re doing…. “Oh Christ, don’t get me started, my Sciatica is killing me, my Rheumatism is murder, my back is screaming, my corns & bunions are warmed death, the arthritis is sticking forks in every joint I have, my trick knee goes in and out at will, I also have relapsing/remitting insomnia & narcolepsy”…… bloody hell, sorry I asked, give me a second while I put this shotgun in my mouth, but don’t let that stop you, go ahead I’m still listening…… “well OK, I’ve been getting these migraines and the cataracts are getting worse, the Alzheimer’s is advancing at, wait – what was I saying”….. OK OK OK, we get it – getting old sucks.

So now, right now – I am standing at a crossroads. There is no going back and so I have three choices – First, keep moving straight – in the direction I’ve been going and let the chips fall where they may. Second, turn left and have myself cryogenically frozen until they have discovered a cure for absolutely everything and I mean everything, like hangnails, ice cream headaches & chronic halitosis… it may take a while. The third option is to turn right, into the light and begin to really change my life and health it up, from everything I’ve been reading, it seems more and more like the way to go is to radically decrease my meat intake. I’m not sure if I can do it, Vegan I’m almost positive is impossible – vegetarian is a possibility, but it won’t be easy.

Keep in mind, I come from the hard-working manufacturing heart of the country – where you are given a meat juice substitute instead of breast milk at birth. When I turned 5 and school was about to begin, you are given the equivalent of a Bar Mitzvah, only it’s designed to welcome you into not manhood but meathood. From that instant on, you are drilled & indoctrinated with the fact that you haven’t really eaten unless you’ve consumed meat, preferably until you get the meat sweats. See below for a picture of my Meat Mitzvah…. this was just the appetizer station.


My diet isn’t all that bad now, I eat Tofu and Fish regularly, plenty of salads and fruit, watch my salt, always buy the low sodium version when available and I avoid trans fat like a frat boy avoids his pregnant girlfriend. Still I know there is huge room for improvement. I figured what better time than now to make the switch. I’m basically coming off eating pablum for 10 days, so introducing vegetables, fruits and adopting a primarily plant-based diet shouldn’t be too difficult, should it? I still have the nagging feeling that I haven’t really had dinner unless I leave the table with 2 pounds of undigested meat festering in my bowels…. Wow – could I make meat any less attractive…..

Look – I have to, it has to be this way, I have to make the break clean, hard and fast, I need to hate her to move on, the mistress of meat holds a powerful sway over my eating habits – I need to quit cold turkey…… mmmmmmm, cold turkey….. During my stay in the hospital, they did just about every single test you could dream up… I’m still fuzzy about why the pregnancy test…. but everything came back really good, no cholesterol problems, good HDL, good LDL – under 5% plaque build-up in the arteries, as of right now there are no potential blockages, blood pressure is awesome. So, except for all my problems, I was wonderful.

Anyways the evidence is piling up, reports and studies all extolling the virtues of a plant-based diet, apparently it’s a giant myth that there are lots of vitamins and minerals you can only get from meat. Plants cover the whole spectrum, everything you need – beans, legumes, fruit, vegetables, grains etc… Like I said it won’t be easy, that’s why I’m going to try it, BUT I’m still having a care package made to help me over the rough patches……


Have a Great Day