Addiction, Hillbillies & Plutonium…. Help

So, there I was listening to Pink Floyd while doing some revisions on the Bible…. I decided it read better after I removed the bits about evolution & natural selection…. hahahahahahahahahaahaaaha!

I suppose that puts me on some religious hit list with the people who support the Scopes Monkey Trial decision, some borderline-functional, hillbilly fundamentalist, militant christian-right, fascist mouth-breathing, gun-toting, sister-loving, pick-up driving, moonshine swilling, banjo plucking, redneck cracker…. Here’s the breakdown Gomer, I’m sitting at my computer right now, eating Doritos, listening to Elton John sing about the Circle of Life and writing my blog post… there is nothing you can do to me that is worse than what I am doing to myself…..

WOW, where did that come from? To my knowledge, I have never been treated ill by anyone south of the Mason-Dixion Line…. I’ve been to Kentucky, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, North & South Carolina, Virginia & Tennessee…. I have eaten my share of Grits & I have been – amongst them, never a cross word has been exchanged… so where, pray-tell, does my bile and venom come from? If I were a deeper, more introspective type, I should probably look into that, but I find stereotypes save me an enormous amount of time – lumping great swaths of society into neat little groups, which I am then free to judge at my discretion. So I shan’t fix what ain’t broke… besides, I enjoy a good – “Y’all”, now and then…

Let us speak no more of this bothersome trifle… Wait, there is one thing I want to discuss in more detail from what I said earlier. Doritos… Now this is going to sound disgusting, but trust me, I’m eating a new flavour, Cheeseburger…. Angry Jesus in a Hammock – it is AWESOME! Seriously, it’s like an Angel is peeing in your mouth, yea – it’s that good….. Hey you have your idea of heaven and I have mine OK!

Anyways, so this beautiful Angel is whizzing in your mouth and the Cheeseburger flavour is really starting to settle in and… well let me start at the beginning, as soon as you open the bag you get punched in the face by the intoxicating aroma of…. wait for it…….. Cheeseburgers… then you or well, I did, drop your nose deep into the bag and inhaled like a crack addict about to enter rehab…. filling my lungs with what I’m sure is toxic levels of Doritos dust…. those Chilean Coal miners will outlive me, Doritos dust is ridiculously toxic, you’d be better of sucking on a gigantic Kit-Kat bar made of plutonium…

Anyways, about 45 minutes later, when I stopped coughing up red-orange Doritos dust, I took my first bite…. and we’re back to the angel pee…. it was like Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Aniston & Salma Hayek has each formed one edge of the delicious triangle and then gently kissed it before putting it into the bag, just for me.  I had weapons of mass burgerstruction going off in my mouth, my teeth were dancing like the French when Lindberg landed – I started feeling faint, swooning actually and I hadn’t even swallowed yet….. That’s what she said….  The Fourth of July, Mardi Gras, Carnivale that exploded in my belly as the chip hit bottom, actually caused the entire top of my head to blow off as the deliciousness transmitters went into hyper-drive, rushing to my neural cortex, decimating my pleasure receptors and immediately requested more Doritos….

I have since gone through so many bags I had to buy several prison issue orange jumpsuits to hide the Doritos dust covering me from head to toe. I may need help. OBEY THE CHIP…..


In case you were unclear, I like them.

Have a Great Day.