Navels, Justice & A Stripper Named Coco

Today is the tomorrow I was afraid of yesterday…

Normally I don’t go in for that introspective navel-gazing type self-help mumbo-jumbo. Many moons ago, I told you about my life-long fascination with the Brain – I suspect that mostly, it was as a result of trying to figure out why it seemed most people didn’t use theirs very often. I apologize if that sounds harsh but come on, how many times have you found yourself looking at someone and really watching them, then – turning to the person you’re with and saying “hey, hey, look at this genius” or the simpler “look, look” accompanied by the double eyebrow raise and both of you, shake your heads in abject sadness for the fate of humanity. It’s my job as the beacon of truth, justice and the holder of the common sense torch to point out that, yes, at some point – not only have you done this BUT on at least one occasion, you were the person others were looking at, and shaking their heads as you claimed the crown of Mensa Member of the day.

You must have seen that Far Side cartoon from the genius mind of Monsieur Larsen, directly relating to todays topic…

Admittedly, we’ve all pushed a pull at one time or another, or the far more embarrassing pulled a push… lest we not speak of tugging a shove or thrusting a tow… that last one is guaranteed to pull your arm out of its socket. The brain, in all it’s fruit-filled goodness is all too frequently capable of leaving us poor meat puppets to fend for ourselves, with a total shut-down of the operating system. It’s one of the primary explanations for why someone would date Amy Winehouse.

Nobody likes looking like a fool, well OK maybe Steve-O and Johnny Knoxville, oh and Kenny & Spenny, but that’s it… wait – most of Parliament….OK, OK, who am I kidding – all of Parliament, but the rest of us spend a considerable amount of time trying to not end up as the centerfold in the latest issue of Doofus Monthly. Which incidentally, I only read for the articles… Still it’s gonna happen, you will stumble in front of someone you want desperately to impress, you will projectile vomit at an important business meeting, you will kill a stripper named Coco after a long weekend spent huffing compressed air cleaner, which I didn’t even know got you high until I saw that episode of Intervention…. sure, in retrospect these are all moments you’d like to take back – moments where, just when you needed your brain the most, it went on a coffee break.

That’s precisely when hindsight hits you, causing you to dwell, to seeth – to play over and over your internal greatest smack-downs – what an idiot I was to have done that, why did I do that, why do I always do stupid stuff like that, how come that had to happen just then… hindsight is a funny thing – basically its just your brain exerting it’s dominance over you. Let’s break it down – your brain allows you to do something clearly about to be labeled moronic, you, unencumbered by a functioning brain, jump in with both feet yelling yee-haw or some such, congratulations, you have achieved moron.

Here’s the kicker, brain could have stopped you, brain could have been a pal and whispered “hey sport, maybe you should rethink this” – BUT IT DIDN’T – it let you go ahead and THEN the grey little stiffened Jello bastard has the audacity to say, I knew that would happen! Are you freaking kidding me.

Hindsight bias is the inclination to see events that have occurred as being more predictable than they were before they took place. So, after the fact your brain says “well duh, obviously that was gonna happen”, when it in no way could have known what was going to happen. Also, bolstering the brains enjoyment in beating up on you, making you defer to him/her and re-asserting its superiority is something called availability heuristic: the event that did occur is more salient in one’s mind than the possible outcomes that did not. Basically, the brain was faced with, let’s say 10 possible outcomes of any possible moronic action – obviously some outcomes will be more possible than others but still all must be, or should be considered – brain-o has no way of knowing which will ultimately occur BUT – like the turd he is… afterwards he says – yea well obviously that was going to happen – while all the time conveniently forgetting about all the other possible outcomes you worried about beforehand.

Here, if you found that last paragraph confusing, rest assured that so did I and I wrote it… try using this equation I whipped up, it should clarify things and make the whole thing easier to understand and digest….

There, all better?

Really, what can we do – if you can think of a way to really take charge and control your brain at all times, thereby ensuring you will never have a Fail, or god forbid an Epic Fail.. then I think we can all pretty much agree you are 100% delusional, but still so cute, like that funny kid in the playground with a helmet….

Have a Great Day.