Envy

When I was about 6 or 7 years old we lived in a small village just outside Hamburg, Germany – guess what we ate a lot of…… right, schnitzel – were you going to say hamburgers? That’s racist.

My Mom could make schnitzel out of anything and often had to…. you see, we were Gypsy, and money was always tight. Traditionally schnitzel was always a breaded veal cutlet, but even then – I was a strong supporter and a member of the junior fan club, of PETA. So veal was persona non-grata in our home, in an effort to keep our quota of schnitzel consumption up, as mandated by the local burger-meister, each citizen had to consume at least 5 fist sized portions of schnitzel a week. Mom was reduced to inventing new ways for us to eat the required volume of schnitzel.

Oh the memories are flooding back to me right now, I can almost smell Mom’s turnip schnitzel, her quail schnitzel was to die for, albeit in extremely small portions – the lard schnitzel wasn’t my favourite but…. My hat is of to her, she was always able to ensure we met our schnitzel quota and don’t get me started on the strudel.

The only negative memory I have of this time, were the feelings I had for a neighbour girl, Frau Hepdorfmeinbaachmeir – her parents were both arch-rear dukes of the Wappenbuch dynasty. As members of the nobility, they held special privileges – I remember one day as if it were yesterday, I was sitting on an upturned stump milking our cat while staring at Frau, I suddenly filled with a feeling I had never know before. It was a combination of longing and anger and it made me feel dizzy & my brow moistened. In retrospect, I now know I was envious of Frau and her fancy cheese and proper schnitzel.

Eventually, the feeling of envy began to ebb…. but only after I had drowned her in a nearby stream one summers afternoon.

Now let’s get on with today’s Sin, Envy…

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Envy (also called invidiousness) is best defined as an emotion that “occurs when a person lacks another’s (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it. “Envy” and “jealousy” are often used interchangeably, but in correct usage, they stand for two different distinct emotions. In proper usage, jealousy is the fear of losing something that one possesses to another person (a loved one in the prototypical form), while envy is the pain or frustration caused by another person having something that one does not have oneself.

The Book of Exodus states: “You shall not covet your neighbor house; you shall not covet your neighbor wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” Well Jesus H. – what’s the point of having a newer model, tricked out OX if you can’t turn your neighbours a little green. Envy is the only deadly sin to also be in the ten commandments, where they go on about coveting…..

Lets all head over to the Aquinas corner to see what he has for us today, Thomas Aquinas said of Envy: “Envy according to the aspect of its object is contrary to charity, whence the soul derives its spiritual life… Charity rejoices in our neighbor’s good, while envy grieves over it.” Thank you Thomas, you may now head back  to Douche-town or wherever it is people like you live….

For its part, death alone can cut short envy’s run in the human heart, as Francis Bacon pointed out. “Death… extinguisheth envy,” he wrote. So there’s that to look forward to as the coffin lid closes. You no longer have to envy the convertible-driving, mansion-inheriting, beautiful, busty blondes who wouldn’t let you join Gamma Delta Pi freshman year. It makes no never mind that I was a man….

Your punishment for committing the sin of envy, you will be encased in frozen water. Ummmmm, people, we are in hell, as in fire, brimstone, eternal hell-fire etc etc…. ring any bells, how do you plan on freezing water?

Idiots.

God has made us what we are and placed us where we are. Envy is a sign we think he made a mistake. Duh. Obviously he made a mistake, I was supposed to be born into an extremely wealthy family, like crazy, filthy rich. I’m talking about the kind of rich where, if I wanted to, I could hunt humans on our property for sport. The fact that god did make this error, means he may have made others, ergo caveat emptor, this sin, gets a failing grade, tis not a sin by negative substantial proxy differential….see what I did there, I made that up…. now we have one sin left… jealous much?

Have a Great Day, Don’t forget to tip your waitress and try the schnitzel….

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