Stabbing Kids & My Yule Log

The holidays, what can I say about the holidays we all haven’t heard a thousand times before, as I sit in my former bed chair in front of the TV composing this post, I watch that old heart-warming Christmas classic, Tora, Tora, Tora – no, it’s not a tradition or anything – it just happens to be on…. and the remote is waaaaay over there.

It’s perhaps a fitting choice because many a household can be a festive tinderbox, with only the slightest provocation turning ugly and suddenly the living room looks exactly like Okinawa with the US Marines hitting the beach…


The only thing I’ve ever seen enrage people faster than watching eighty-thousand troops rush your foxhole – that’s easy, being forced to sit through another singing of the 12 days of Christmas. Statistically, more people are stabbed in the throat every year for singing that song than are killed by Chlamydia. I swear, your kids owe you for the rest of their lives, not so much because you fed and clothed them for 18 years – it’s because you sat through so many Christmas concerts featuring the 12 days of Christmas. I once stabbed a kid myself with a shiv I fashioned out of a green crayon I found on the gym floor, I was in a mind-numbed zombie rage somewhere around 4 calling birds and lashed out….. Regrettable, but wholly unavoidable.

Originally the abomination was written as a….. wait for it….. religious teaching song. According to sources the various elements of the song all relate to religious, people, places and/or things check out their breakdown…. The song’s gifts are hidden meanings to the teachings of the faith. The “true love” mentioned in the song doesn’t refer to an earthly suitor, it refers to God. The “me” who receives the presents refers to every baptised person. The partridge in a pear tree is Jesus Christ and the two turtle doves are the old and new Testaments.

The other verses represent the following: 3 French Hens are Faith, Hope and Charity…  4 Calling Bird are The Four Gospels….  5 Golden Rings are the first five books of the Old Testament….  6 Geese A-Laying are the six days of creation….  7 Swans A-Swimming are the seven gifts of The Holy Spirit….   8 Maids A-Milking are the eight beatitudes….  9 Ladies Dancing are the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit….  10 Lords A-Leaping are the Ten Commandments….  11 Pipers Piping are the eleven faithful apostles….  12 Drummers Drumming are the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle’s Creed….

I don’t know it all sounds a little fishy to me… seems like a case of some pretty desperate searching for a number that corresponds to a number in the song. It could just as easily be almost anything. Why does religion have to always push its big fat face into everything fun… Christmas is about buying stuff and getting stuff and what stuff you want and what stuff others want… it has nothing to do with religion. Well Ok maybe a bit, like that whole North Star, born in a manger thing…. BUT if I want to spend a cozy evening by the fire, playing with my yule log while dreaming about 8 Maids a Milking that’s my business… religion shouldn’t enter into it.

Well, I could go on but I see it’s time to throw another log on the fire… have a great day