Sun Tzu, Julia Roberts & Missing Children

A number of years back there was a motivational speaker by the name of Susan Powter, perhaps you remember the shock of spiky white hair?

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She had a catch phrase, “Stop the Insanity” and to you, now… I make this pledge – I will to the best of my ability “Stop the Insanity” of Boxing Day Shopping. Christmas ended, with a thud December 25th at 11:59:59. Boxing day represents a new dealer, gone is the sweet, generous, goodwill to men malarky and a subtle holiday evil begins moving through the city. First in wisps of faintly shimmering mist, that cling to the low laying areas and swirls about in the moors. If one fails to glimpse the silvery menace upon his stealthy approach, you won’t soon miss the effects – basically it’s… it’s like…well ok imagine you start getting a little tingle in your hand, then the tingle turns into a warm sensation, and the warmth turned into… OK, this will take some explaining. Imagine turning a broom upside down, so the sharp pointy bristles are facing up. Take your hand, palm facing down, and bounce it on the pointy bristles. Can you imagine how uncomfortable that feels on your hand, or even all over your body? Okay, good.

Now, imagine that a giant sees you playing with the broom. He snatches it out of your hand, chews the handle into a point and shoves it so far up your behind that you can taste it. Then he uses you like a huge fly swatter to kill a nest of porcupines that are living in his salt mine. Once you have completed this process, you come out the other end with only one thing in mind, SHOP! Yes SHOP – Take no prisoners, leave courtesy at the door, holster your credit and debit cards, lead with Gordie Howe elbows, and get your single-minded focus on, you are looking for deals and nothing else matters – not family, not personal well-being, not your fellow-man, nothing. else. matters.

Every year I dread the experience, but this is the first year I’ve had the time to do anything about it… usually, I too am caught up in the pre-holiday frenzy and unable to make true my plans – but this year, this year was different. I had both the time and the inclination to prepare myself for the modern gladiatorial combat we were about to engage in.

The Plan & Prep

  1. I spent the last 4 weeks intensively training with Hip Hop Abs…
  2. I started Carbo-loading back in August…
  3. During my surgeries, I had sensors put into my spinal column, allowing me to turn on and off all sensation in my legs…
  4. I designed special glasses which enable me to see through up to four racks of clothes…
  5. Earlier this year, I bought – on ebay, the shoes used in the James Bond movie “From Russia with Love” the ones that have automatic spikes which pop out of the toe, very effective for immobilizing anyone holding something you want…
  6. I created a rig which allows me to purify and drink my own urine, so I wouldn’t have to stop for bathroom breaks…
  7. I re-read Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War”…
  8. I re-watched “Pretty Woman” the scene where she lays into the sales girl for not helping her…

Armed only with the lessons and training provided by these 8 points, I took my family to the mall.

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There’s no way to tell if I’ll ever see my kids again, the human tsunami was such that they were swept away virtually the minute we got out of the car.

Pray for them, pray for us, pray for me… oh and I got a couple of nice golf shirts, a book and some chocolate, all at a nice discount.

Have a Great Day.

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