Shit Sandwich, with a Side of French Fried Shit & Shitty Gravy

Ladies and Gentlemen, I put it to you…. WTF?

Ok this is bad. Here’s the situation. I went back to work last Friday. Half days as per my doctors orders, 2 weeks of half days and then 2 weeks of three-quarter days and at the end of those 4 weeks ready to go, back to all-out full-time.

I had my operation September 1st and had about 6 weeks of tough times but then… the clouds began to part, the angels began singing gently in my ears again and all the little woodland creatures started gathering around as I danced about the house doing the daily chores, the birds landing on my shoulders, the… wait… sorry I’m thinking of Snow White not me.

Before going back to work I had to see my doctor as work required a note saying that yes, I was fine to return, via the above mentioned schedule. It had been three, (3), trois, 2 +1=3, months of absolutely not so much as a peep from my heart. Not only was he happy, healthy and keeping time like  Swiss Cheese, wait, that doesn’t sound right – what else do Swiss do? Oh yea Chocolate, keeping time like Swiss Choc… no that’s not right either OH wait, Watches.. Swiss Watch, that’s what I meant.

Anyways my heart was A-1, I was walking lots, no issues, lifting light weights, no issues and I made the mistake of allowing myself to believe that finally the ordeal was over, I could begin to close the book on the worst year of my life. How could I forget that when the Coyote felt the most confident was exactly when the Roadrunner laid a wicked beat-down on him, pounding him the hardest…. how could I forget that? I’ll tell you how, it’s because I wanted to.

So after only two half days, I was already getting some skipped beats, then some doubles and resting heart-rate had  gone up about 10 beats a minute since the week before returning. Ok so Monday night I was starting to get a bit stressed out because of all the heart shenanigans… exactly the worst thing in the world for me to do, get stressed out and pump umpteen gallons of adrenaline and cortisol into my system. Well of course the more you try and stop it, the worse it gets. So by Tuesday morning I was awakened by my heart pounding as if I was just finishing up the Hawaiian Ironman, lying in bed heart rate was 154… this I know because I wear a heart rate monitor on my wrist. So I got up went to the big blood pressure, heart monitor in my office and took some readings, yep – confirmed not only was I in tachycardia but sinus rhythm was a distant memory, the atrial fibrillation was back.

Save you sighs and exhales of frustrated breath, it gets worse.

At this point I was still holding out hope that this was a blip, a minor bump in the road – due to all the new activity of being back at work, seeing people, commuting, etc etc, stuff everyone does everyday. Well it isn’t. It’s back. Saw my doctor, Thursday morning he had me back in the hospital getting full blood workup and EKG, EEG’s… further to that, he refused to give me the letter saying I was Ok to return to work.

Now you are all aware of how difficult the last year has been psychologically, physically and financially for both myself and those around me. So not only do I NEED to go back to work, I REALLY need to go back to work. My employers had been fantastic, they held my position for the full 13 months, kept my office, parking, everything… welcomed me back with open arms, the people were excited and very happy to see my return. Very supportive and just generally wonderful and the feeling is mutual, I really like the job, a lot. Not many people have the luxury of being able to say that, but I do. There were challenges, no doubt – but you have to expect that everywhere…. The creativity, the variety, the people, everything I worked for… and now it’s all gone.

The management had been exceptionally patient, but it was time, they needed me back and ready to go…. and clearly that isn’t the case. Also without the doctor’s note saying I am able to return their hands are tied. In the end, they are running a business and need to move on, work needs to get done. This latest setback for me, who knows, it could end in a couple more days OR it could go on for another few months. I haven’t been able to see my cardiologist yet but what if I need yet another ablation?

I  have been a bit jokey here, because that’s what I do, but this development is devastating. I mean earth-shakingly crushing. No work, no return to life, just a vast wasteland of misery. Losing the job I spent weeks looking forward to returning to… words fail me. Now what?

So look, here is my pledge to you, most of you have been with me throughout this journey, the ups and the downs – that being said, I know no one wants to read a blog that makes them depressed, you all have plenty of opportunities to hear depressing stuff in your own lives, you don’t need mine on top of it all. So my pledge is this – I am going to take a couple of days off from this blog, I need to close myself off, withdraw, be fully upset and as angry as I need to be, which believe me is pretty fucking angry. It is not going to be pretty. It’s probably best if I don’t write things for general consumption during this process. I hope you stick around and continue on with me, but if you don’t, I understand.

Then, I am going to do my best to make this about trying to climb out of the hole, the deep, deep, deep, hole – rising from the ashes, like the fabled Phoenix or the even more fabled Donald Trump. It is going to be hard and ugly, most likely I am going to lose my car, maybe even my home, surely more than a few of my “things” will have to go… I don’t know where this is going or what will happen, but if you will be so kind as to join me in the journey, I can guarantee it won’t be dull.

I just need to figure out what happens next. I also need to try and stay positive or all is doom. But right now, up in here – it feels impossible to even understand the word positive, never mind attain the mindset…

Always remember, just like the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life….. Have a Great Day

 

Advertisements