What if the Danger is Already in the House?

August 23, 2011

What kind of MONSTER would even dream about punching a tiny, defenseless kitten in the face?

Well, you’re in luck, because I’m going to tell you exactly what kind of person would punch a kitten in the face, none of this open-hand “woman correcting” nonsense – I’m talking closed fist, feet shoulder width apart, pivot at the waist and really throwing your core into the punch type thing…

I would like to take this opportunity to explain that in no way do I endorse violence against women, in any circumstances – other than ones in which they were asking for it. I would like to further apologize for the preceding apology, clearly a woman is never “asking for it” – how is she supposed to know she’s done something wrong until you correct her… but if it happens again….

THE INTERNET WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE PREVIOUS APOLOGY AND POINT OUT THE DILEMMA OF LIVING IN A FREE SOCIETY, ONE WHICH STAUNCHLY CHOOSES TO DEFEND FREE SPEECH AND ALL THAT PARTICULAR PREAMBLE CONNOTES. BESIDES, EVEN IF WE LIVED IN A SOCIETY THAT DIDN’T ALLOW FREEDOM OF SPEECH – IN ALL LIKELY-HOOD WOMEN WOULD BE EVEN WORSE OFF – SO BASICALLY, WOMEN, YOU’RE DAMNED IF YOU DO AND DAMNED IF YOU DON’T…. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION. BEST REGARDS, THE INTERNET.

Look I’ve gotten off track – we were talking about ways to beat a woman and not leave marks…. nope wait, my bad – I was talking about punching a kitten in the face.

So here’s the thing, I believe I’ve already explained how the kittens claws have been registered as deadly weapons, see picture below of my youngest after playing with the little fella for about 5 minutes…

OK admittedly most people were more grossed out by the fact that my youngest daughter has such hairy legs, but it’s a condition, we’re looking into it…. try not to focus on that, actually if you think that’s bad, you should see her back… but again that’s beside the point

Ok here’s the real story, obviously I am on a number of medications as outlined in this blog numerous times. One of the meds is called Cyclosporine and it is a immunosuppressant – which means it basically shuts-off my immune system. Making me particularly susceptible to all sorts of things, stuff a little baby could easily fight off, colds, flu’s etc etc… So and feel free to raise your hand if you knew this but…

Cat Scratch Fever is not just a Ted Nugent song, it’s a real thing – primarily carried in Kittens before their system is strong enough to fight off the “disease” now couple that with their inability to comprehend how deeply there are shoving their Freddie Krueger, Nightmare on Elm Street, Wolverine, Ginsu Knife, Miracle Blade, Surgical Steel, Bald Eagle Talons – into your flesh and you have the perfect delivery system of Cat Scratch Fever to someone who has a compromised immune system. Now everyone who has a compromised immune system raise your hands… Ok let me see… oh is it no one except me.. yea that’s right it is…. just me, so the little bastard gave me Cat Scratch Fever.

How do I know this, well, he scratched my hand so deep we could see my great-grandfather… that’s deep. Within about an hour the area around the… I guess “wound” is the best word for it, because it was way more than a scratch, anyways it turned very very red and started to blow up, seriously we were really scared because it started looking like a head – and I was torn because I had always wanted a little brother but not this way… not.. this…. way…. It kept growing and we just figured he got me a good one and we went to bed.

The next morning, the whole right hand was swelling up and it hurt quite a lot..

Clearly not normal…. so we immediately turned to the internet and deduced I had Bubonic Plague, then Ebola, then Scarlett Fever, then Severe Radiation Poisoning, then Herpes Simplex 3, then Ricketts, then at one point we thought perhaps I was either having an Ectopic Pregnancy or was terribly dehydrated from my Bulimia – and then we laughed and laughed because we discovered while I had definitely been doing the gorging part – I had been neglecting to do the purging part… after another two or three hours and several hundred other diseases we landed on Cat Scratch Fever…. which can be pretty bloody severe all by itself… listen to this;

Kittens are more likely to carry the bacteria in their blood, and may therefore be more likely to transmit the disease than are adult cats. The infection can lead to an abnormal growth of blood vessels that form tumor-like masses, a condition called bacillary angiomatosis. This condition can cause severe inflammation of multiple organs including the brain, spleen, liver, lungs, and bone marrow. Untreated, the disease can be fatal in people with compromised immune systems.

Ok so, ummmm….. pretty much not good. I mean seriously of all the things on earth to happen, this… this is what I get… I would be happier to have a meteor the size of texas hit me square in the forehead than this dumb ass disease. How is that going to look at my eulogy, and in the newspaper announcing my untimely passing – he was killed by a kitten… really!?!

Anyways, here is a picture of the demon seed himself, the reason he is lying still is due to the three Rhino tranquilizer darts I shot into him just before taking the picture. They only lasted for about 10 minutes. I tell you – he’s not from this planet – just take a look deep into his crazy eyes… mostly when he stares the kids down – they just start crying.. this isn’t how pet ownership should be…. we are supposed to be the boss of him… we are…. the boss… us… not him. You can clearly see the pink of his paws, who knows what blood of the innocents he had recently spilled… Rhino darts… 3 of them, only worked for 10 minutes….