The Marlboro Man & Doctors Lie…. BUT – For your Own Good

Now Listen here… I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain… I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend… I’ve also been through numerous operations, not one of them would be out-of-place during the Spanish Inquisition.

This most recent one, sweet jesus on an apple fritter, I’ve been pretty “tender” – I’m trying to use the Doctor’s scale of pain (eg. as he’s sawing off your foot – “you may feel some pressure here”) — “some discomfort” = the equivalent of a locomotive rolling over your spleen, “you might feel a tightness here” = I’ll try to minimize the size of the exit wound the cannonball makes… their terminology is ridiculously skewed.

And Hey, I understand – no one wants to hear, “OK, this is going to hurt like a son-of-a-bitch” unless your name is Clint or you happen to be The Marlboro Man and you down a shot of whiskey before someone shoves a slab of horse leather in your mouth to bite down on, then you shouldn’t expect to hear anything else before they bury the buck knife in your thigh to dig the slug out…

Well my name isn’t Clint and I don’t smoke, so I suppose on some level I appreciate the bald face lie the doctor tells me. But I want you to understand how this feels, how can I explain this so you get an idea of what it feels like, OK here try this – you’re going to need a compound cross-bow with a laser sight, a tube of crazy glue, 2 laundry pegs, a Ford F-150 with a winch, 30 feet of nylon climbing rope, a tube of Polysporin and nerves of steel.

Now I’m going to remove my shirt and stand with my back to you, you should cut the rope in two equal lengths, load and cock the crossbow, tie one of the ends of the rope to the end of the arrow, tie the other end to the winch on the Ford. Now, turn on the laser sight and fire the arrow exactly 1 inch to the left of my left nipple. Once the rope has gone ripping clean through my body, apply the Polysporin liberally – then I need you to make sure you already attached the end of the rope closest to you, to the winch on the Ford, the other end should be un-tied from the arrow and very firmly tied to one of the laundry pegs.

Are you with me so far? Take your time…

Then once you’ve secured the peg to the rope, you should use a sheep-shank knot, you will need to empty the contents of the crazy glue tube on my left nipple, and the business end of the laundry peg, clamp the peg on my nipple and hold the peg together long enough for the glue to set – now head over to the truck and turn on the winch so the rope begins pulling my nipple backwards through my body, until you can see its angry redness poke through my back. Turn off the winch. Admire your accomplishment. Conclude the procedure by saying “you may feel some discomfort later today or tomorrow”

Viola, you’re a pacemaker surgeon! Congratulations.

Clearly, you can read, I have indeed been feeling some discomfort. The muscle they separated from the chest wall and rib cage to make the “pocket” makes even the slightest movement of either arm very painful. Even reaching with the right arm pulls on the left side to a certain degree.

The doctor comes in before the procedure, AND MARKS YOU… with his initials and a happy face.

That’s the pillow and my head at the top… hahahaha very funny, now put your flask away little man and let’s straighten up and fly right…

The next part, well, I was asleep so… who knows what happened but when I came out I had this… it’s about 3 – 3-5 inches across my upper left chest and you can just make out the outline of his happy face… is this sanitary?

Here you can kind of see the bulge, it’s supposed to go down as the incision heals and the swelling goes down…but I may well have a little bulge (keep your jokes to yourselves) forever. Better than some people, you see pictures where it really sticks out and you can see wires through the skin… no joke…

Lastly, this is an X-Ray showing the location and parts and where they are and where they go etc etc…

So we got home and I’ve been pretty fatigued, the heart is still going bonkers, very short of breath. I haven’t yet had to resort to sleeping in the bed chair — we just fashioned a kind of safety cradle made with pillows to ensure I don’t roll onto my left side. Back and right side only.

I can’t drive for a few weeks because an airbag hit would be profoundly dangerous. The leads of the wires are actually screwed into the walls of the heart, so if the wires get pulled or whatever they could tear open the walls of the heart, so ummmm. yea OK – I won’t be driving for a bit. Can’t lift my left arm above my shoulder, and a bunch of other more boring restrictions too numerous to mention.

So basically that’s it…. Friday of this week, I go in for the AV Node Ablation surgery, we can discuss tomorrow.

Have a Great Day.