Wrangling Bits & Bytes

I use it, you use it, we’ve all used it, in most cases it’s routine – one of the first things we do in the morning and the last thing we do before bed. Of course I’m talking about our ritualistic use of ammonium lauryl sulfate, tetrasodium pyrophosphate and Triclosan – well that’s how I refer to it, I assume, most likely you just call it toothpaste.  I can hear you now, “Hey, Mr huge brain, what’s with the big words? Hang on, damn, you have nice eyes, and wow – you smell really good, maybe later we could…” AHEM.….. OK sorry, not relevant right now to the point I’m making…. – you again – ” I know, but seriously, call me”….   Focus People….. the point I’m trying to make here, if you would just ease off the innuendo and crude awkward advances, is that You can make things as easy or as hard as you want. Sure it’s easy to say toothpaste but if you so desired you could refer to it by it’s chemical compounds, not sure why you would – but you could, you have that option.

Same can be said with technology, sure it’s everywhere and controls everything – but you have a choice here as well, an easy way and a hard way to engage with it. Don’t fight it, flow with it… like the way of the Shaolin Monks and their Wing Chun Kung-Fu style – deflect, flow and use the opponents force against them – let the computer do what it does. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a healthy skepticism regarding computers specifically and hi-tech in general, you should, and you wouldn’t be alone the skeptics are legion – (for example, you would be in the company of the unabomber). Skeptics say the factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment. Funny yes, true, probably already happening at factories all over the world. I ‘m sure you’ve seen “How it’s Made” on TV and in plenty of the products they show being manufactured, you never see a single pair of human hands during the entire production process, except for the beginning, bringing in the raw materials and the end, shipping the finished product away….

WELL, I have uncovered yet another scoop, and it goes a little something like this, no matter how well constructed, how religiously you update your software and anti-virus programs, eventually your computer is going to go down. Some people are lucky enough to simply pick up the phone call IT or the in-house tech support chaps and they come and magically fix the machine. Now it is pretty universally accepted that these “tech guys” are an odd bunch….. but they can, usually,  after much futzing get thing working again OR are they simply in negotiations with the tiny ladies who live and work in the computer? Yes you heard me….. Allow me to explain….

Being my own IT guy and not afraid to crack the computer and try to resolve whatever issue I may be having at the time, I recently had my PC go down and so had to tackle the problem. Of course this has never happened to any of my MAC’s BUT we’re not going to get into that hornets nest. I prefer MAC but I have also always had and used a PC so we’ll leave it at that and move on… I belong in both MAC and PC camps……

I tried several software solutions and diagnostics all to no avail and reluctantly I had to admit that I was going to have to physically open the machine and do some hardware surgery. Now because so few people do their own hardware upgrades and internal fixes – I’m of a mind that the Tiny Computer Ladies (TCL) know when you have exhausted all your abilities and will be taking your computer in to get it repaired or when someone is going to come in and fix it… giving the Tiny Computer Ladies (TCL) time to clear off before they can be seen. You know why PC’s are so finicky, NO, it’s not because of the Windows OS – it’s because of the tiny ladies that work inside the computer, just like old time phone operators. If you are old enough to remember them they were a nasty bunch of @#%*$’s – when operators became obsolete due to  – here it comes now full circle – due to Technology… they had no other skills and so were forced into accepting jobs that entailed them being shrunk down by Bill Gates and his magical Windows shrink rays and placed into all PC machines running Windows….

That’s what crashes are, usually your tiny lady is on break, or lunch… no one is routing info and so the computers crashes… sometimes the operator just feels like screwing with you and so will deliberately shut down your system. Many times it’s also just a vicious and angry protest type attack aimed at Mr Gates and the Microsoft behemoth, and you are just collateral damage – I can tell by the tone of your reading you don’t believe me…. really, will you never learn that I am always right….. always…

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Well I can only guess right about now you are feeling pretty foolish for having doubted me…. it’s OK, one of the most fascinating things about people is their ability to learn… so learn dammit – learn and then obey…..  it would just make things so much easier, plus once you start blindly obeying me we have the beginnings of my cult…so, win win. I don’t want to go into too much detail about the tiny computer ladies due to a confidentiality contract I was forced to sign under threat of personal injury…  let’s just say I had a visit from a couple of very serious guys in white shirts with pocket protectors and thick glasses – however I would like to leave you with this thought – One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. As that extraordinary man I will keep working as long as I am allowed……

Take it to heart, the same goes for women…. except those tiny little operator ladies, they can do the work of …. of….. damn confidentiality agreement…

Have a Great Day.

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