White Canes of Anger…
What would you do if you started going blind?
Don’t just shake your head, knock wood and say hopefully you never find out. Of course without question I hope it’s never an ocean of hurt you need to navigate, but take a few minutes and consider how absolutely massively your life would be impacted – in ever respect. How’s that for a sobering thought, now take about 11,000 pounds of fear and mix. Put in the oven at 375 for 20 minutes, remove, cover and let stand until you have a big hard ball of anguish… lovely golden brown carmelized outside and a deliciously festering morass of rage in the centre.
Ok technically I’m not going blind, but psychologically and physically I might as well be… eyes are getting noticeably worse. Have you ever been weightlifting or doing something repetitively physical with your arm and you get to a certain point and you just can’t lift it anymore? You try and will one more rep out of your exhausted muscles but they simply can’t comply. There’s a name for that, training to failure. In weight training, training to failure is to repeat an exercise movement (such as the bench press) to the point of momentary muscular failure – the idea being that if you can physically do more, then you are not training at your optimum level.
I tell you about this because although I really enjoy the look of huge bulging muscles on my eyeballs & lids, so sexy….it looks like I’m going to have to stop doing so much heavy lifting with my eyes. Yeah with all that intense looking, seeing and blinking… it’s just proving too much. Previously my eyelids would droop, and eventually my vision would go double as the muscles fatigued, quickly. I’ve already talked about this in a previous post, HERE… Quite an angry little bit of writing… anyways.. it’s progressed again. The chewing, swallowing & breathing are so far unaffected but the eyes, terrible. Previously after taking my meds I would get some period of relief, but no more. If I am doing something like, say, oh I don’t know, looking in any way shape or form the double vision goes bananas and the eyelids will close… yea I said close, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t open them, so I have no choice but to keep them closed for whatever period of time the MG decides to hold them hostage. I can physically pull them open and there is such a thing as Ptosis eye tape whereby you actually tape your eyes open, but there is no point because the whole eye is fatigued so even if they are open, the vision is useless. Constant intensive focusing with the independent eyes makes for some spectacular headaches.
I started this post nearly 5 hours ago and can write a few lines then pause listen to some music or something then come back and write a few more lines…. sucks… sucks so hard…. It’s a very sobering feeling to not be able to control a part of you and yes on the surface you can quickly imagine how difficult it is to not have your vision, but the horror really doesn’t hit you until you actually can’t. One of the disadvantages of having such an active, creative imagination is it’s ability to spin off in a thousand directions with all kinds of doomsday scenarios in which I become a seriously bitter blind guy. 98% of my work, my hobbies, my interests are solely dependent on vision. According to my neurologists, even after having the thymectomy it can take up to two years for the situation to show improvement. 2 YEARS!!!!!!!
I am looking into getting a replica of the Clockwork Orange helmet made for me to wear around…. that should solve everything….
Oh sweet Jesus, you better hope this isn’t where I end up, all humanity will be in for quite a severe tongue lashing. If I can’t find anyone to make this helmet for me and I do end up having to get a white cane, watch out because it’s my intention to sharpen the end of it and ssssswing that baby – fast and hard at everything. I realize it isn’t anyones fault, but in my never ending and selfless devotion to sharing my emotions with those around me, I don’t think you can truly experience my pain until I have pierced your shin with my rapier-like, tap tap cane.
Well, maybe not, who knows how things will turn out? Certainly not my medical professionals.
Have a great day.