Apples…. your free ride is over.

I hate articles about superfoods – they make me want to punch a hippie. I understand, in the incredibly dull and weird world of nutrition, there is a hierarchy – where almonds rule, and fried things are frowned upon. A world where suddenly some researcher discovers an enzyme in grapefruits, or an oil in some type of a nut which makes your nose hair strong and supple and suddenly the foodstuff becomes essential eating. I think nutritional trends are a total waste of time. Grimsby never had pomegranate juice, and people still bred like rats. I never saw a rice cake until I was thirty and I could have easily waited another thirty or forty years. A glorified polysterene disc with all the flavour of a fifteen year old pair of chuck taylors. I don’t care if it makes me grow wings and fly.

I was reading this thing where some awful woman was bleating forth about how you shouldn’t go a day without eating a tomato, and how avocados are good for your insides, and in a sense, although I loathe the hectoring tone of those health books with a not so subtle undercurrent of instant CANCER if you don’t follow their advice, you can see what they are getting at. A do goodery, make-people-live-longer, health-obsessed guidebook. I get the miserable idea of it, even though I don’t like it. But then she was starting on: “The humble apple” and I thought: “You have gone too far now, missus”. How does she know the apple is not an absolutely vain, self-regarding, utterly ruthless and ultimately pompous – two-faced fruit?

I mean apples have managed to bully themselves to the top of the healthy food list for eons – the story of how apples got to where they are is more violent, twisted and scary than anything the columbian drug cartel ever did. I would tell you, but – then…. I’d have to kill you. Besides I have to consider the safety of my kids, so for now the story stays veiled but someday… I’ll spill the applesauce…

Have a Great Day.