Heart Surgeons, Elks & Pee…

Let me tell you a funny, funny story… and by funny, I mean as far from funny as you can get…

I think I know exactly where things went wrong for me today, I got optimistic. I jumped the gun and went ahead and had positive thoughts about my situation and where I stood, such a stupid faux pas.

This morning I woke up feeling a little stressed, but pretty darn good, stressed because I had my Cardiac Surgeon appointment and I always get a bit anxious for those. My headache was gone, my neck felt fine, no fever or pain, Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay. My, oh my, what a wonderful day. Plenty of sunshine headin’ my way. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay….Then a real bluebird came and sat on my shoulder…. now if that isn’t a freakin beacon of good luck then I don’t know what is…

Naturally, that Bluebird was an Idiot.

Got to my appointment, still feeling fine, had blood pressure, EKG, EEG, blood test and waited for the Doctor. He came in and we started talking, he agrees we should try one more ablation, then I asked what he thought the approx waiting time would be, he said based on his current schedule, most likely we would be looking at a procedure sometime in August. Not ideal, of course I want it done asap, but August is only 2 months away, I can do that. So far so good – but then the clouds started forming ominously on the horizon…. he began listening to my heart, then spent a awful long while in one particular spot, I figured he had simply been captivated by my man scent and simply refused to break the spell. Turns out he really was listening to my heart.

He backs away, looks at me says hmmmmm, checks my chart and says “Well, it appears we can now add a heart murmur to your list of ailments.” Naturally my weak and reeling body quickly sprang into panic freak-out mode, even though it has proven time and again that panic mode does nothing for me… Stupid, Stupid Body… I guess he noticed how quickly my face was losing it’s boyishly healthy glow and begun resembling a maniacal mime – he immediately started to try and calm my nerves regarding the new murmur. I have no idea what a murmur is, I suppose it has something to do with a heart that doesn’t know all the words and as a result hums everything?… (Chris, you magnificent bastard, how can you keep a sense of humor amidst all the stress and turmoil? Let me just say this, I fake it…) He tells me not to worry about the murmur, we’ll deal with things one at a time and spoke no more about it. I was too shocked to have any questions, like I said I didn’t know what a heart murmur was but I was pretty sure I didn’t like it.

Intermission………………………………………………………………..

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I've never been in a situation so dire, that a photo of an ELK wouldn't help, enjoy....

Welcome back………… Murmur? There is no way anything good would be called a murmur… so we’ll wait and see about that. However that wasn’t even close to being the most alarming medical thing to happen to me. The appointment ended and upon leaving his office I walked down the hall to the elevator and decide to hit the mens room…

Warning — Graphic Content to follow…

The toilet was pretty messy so I grabbed some paper and wiped before lifting the lid, there was a layer of pure white paper in the bowl, which was to become my target… Now let me stop here to muse for a bit…. during a mans lifetime there are several things one hopes never to see and we’re all different, me, for example – I hope I never see someone eaten alive by animals, I hope I never get crushed by a steam roller, I hope I never come face to face with Amy Winehouse, – you get the picture, some things are just too horrifying to process… now – I’ve not only found a new number one thing I hoped never to see, but have even gone so far as to have experienced it….

The pee, it was pure blood. It wasn’t yellow or clear with some tiny drops or swirls of blood, It wasn’t “cloudy with a pink tinge” it was as if I had opened a vein and blood was squirting out, yes – that vivid and that alarming. Now ladies, lets be honest, you have a lot more experience seeing some blood in the bowl – but Men, I believe I speak for the vast majority of us when I say, that it’s pretty darn near the top of things you never want to see, blood pouring from your Beefy McManstick. There I stood, and the edges of vision began closing in, I was going to pass out. But I didn’t – admittedly I was freaking out but talked myself down and did some relaxed breathing trying to calm the adrenaline fueled psychosis before going apeshit. Reasoning that I could make a better decision from a calm state of mind – I really impressed myself.

Got home, rather than going straight to emergency which was my initial reaction, and peed at home, now it wasn’t quite so fire engine red but more of a dark burgundy. I called my GP and to his credit and my relief he made an opening and saw me right away. He ordered a bunch of tests and a urinary ultra-sound but according to him, there are a multitude of reasons for blood in the urine, some more serious than others. I tried to impress upon him that we were way beyond trace amounts and he said yep Ok, he understands. Lets get the results of some tests and see what we are dealing with… so ummmm… now I wait. If my fever comes back, or anything changes I am to get to the ER right away. The Remainder of day and night, my pee has been dark burgundy….

I got to wondering how I can be so cavalier, making jokes – when really all I want to do is run through the streets screaming – well I’m not sure – but I think it’s because I realize that with all my fear, anxiety, stress, anger and frustration – I have no choice. Either I try and make light and the best of the situation or slip into a deep, brooding, all-consuming, black as night, depression and turn into a right cranky ass to anyone and everyone. Believe me, that would certainly be the easier road to take.

So on the day I wake up feeling pretty good for the first time in awhile, I get hit with two new issues………… fair, noone ever said it was going to be fair…. When I know something, you’ll know. I must have been like the worst serial killer in history or something and now I’m paying for it…. This is just never ending misery.

Have a Great Day.

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