A State of the Union & Death…
People don’t know how to think… and they don’t really want to know how. Maybe that’s just the way it seems… I’m going on 8 months of pretty much sitting at home day after day, not doing much of anything… it’s given me three things, a sore ass, a big divot on the couch and some pretty long stretches where I’ve done nothing but think. Occasionally, to my detriment.. …when the thoughts go spinning off into pointless negativity, you find yourself looking around, grasping, searching for something, anything to change the pattern – something to make the boogeyman go away, unfortunately it’s not that simple.
There’s a certain rhythm that eventually emerges and I think, as a result, I’ve discovered that I have a different gear, a level of contemplation I’ve never had before. Many of us, are too busy living and getting through our days to be offered the chance. I know I was. The days just seemed too short, there was never enough time to cram everything that needed cramming… there was always something at the end of the day you remembered you forgot and it got added to the growing list of stuff you weren’t likely to get to anytime soon.
When I took a vacation or had a much welcomed long weekend, I tried my best to use it wisely, to unwind, to relax – but more often than not it ended up being jam-packed with other equally busy-making activities…. stuff I felt compelled to shoe-horn into the all to brief time off, how many times have you come back from a vacation or long weekend and made the observation you needed a few days off to recuperate? We just get carried away, once that roller coaster safety bar drops down, you are boxed in good and tight and the only thing you can do is throw your hands up in the air and wait till it’s over….
Being extremely critical of human nature, including your own, is fundamental to knowing how to think for yourself. Most are incapable, or at least act as if they are, of being truly rhetorically critical. Rather, most people are just cynical – purely pessimistic. Thinking about our problems is essential to knowing how to find solutions. Learn to think, because you can’t be taught. One thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to think about thought; to be aware of awareness; to be conscious of consciousness. OK I’m trying to not spin-off into some pretty serious navel gazing here, all I’m trying to say is being home, the overwhelming feelings of dis-connectedness from almost everything going on around me eventually lead to some serious self-evaluation. A status report, a state of the nation…
A few times over the past few days and in fact several times since this whole mess started people have told me that I was strong and brave, inspirational even… never have I felt so unworthy…
After some time at home, when I had watched as much TV as one can, cleaned up, downloaded way too much music (somewhere a rapper buys one less gold chain), written a bunch, done what could be done – eventually everything begins to take on a sameness, a monotony, a depressing repetition that I was never consciously aware of before. Perhaps it lurked but not in a place I was aware of, being home – after a time, after the noise was siphoned off I was gifted with the quietness to hear it, that lurking monotony and that’s when I discovered the new gear.
Then came the questions – mostly it was variations on the 5 W’s. Why was this happening, why me, what’s the point, what is happening, where would this all end up, would it end me, when would it be over?… blah blah blah.. on and on – Relax, I’m not about to tell you I’ve found religion or anything, but it did start me looking for a purpose, some kind of meaning. I’ve never spoken about this with anyone because it’s a personal thing, yeah, sure Wendi has seen me pounding back the books but it’s not something I’m much inclined to discuss, seems to me this is an inner journey, best served by arriving at both your conclusion and destination alone.
I have been mowing down the philosophy books, old, new, mystical, spiritual – books on truth, beauty, rhetoric, dialectic, existence, knowledge, values, reason, mind – I mean just devouring them, like 3 or 4 a week… the last 3 were “Is there Life After Death” an examination encompassing the thoughts of all the worlds religions, “The Thinkers Way” about a new way of examining and bettering each junction and decision you encounter and I just finished “Zen & The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” a 30 year old classic, really 3 stories in one about madness, motorcycle repair and thought….
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I guess what I’m trying to say to you is that I don’t feel brave or particularly strong, or like anyone to be admired, mostly I’m scared and feel profoundly lost – looking for ways to deal with that as positively as I can, while minimally impacting those around me. If anyone finds strength or encouragement in anything I’ve done, that is pure gravy, more power to you… and that’s something constructive we can take from this whole ordeal.
I’ll tell you this, once you start looking at things from a new perspective, a funny thing happens, your perspective changes. Things you took for granted or overlooked take on a significance formerly undiscovered and previously held constructs shift, some imperceptibly, some monumentally. It should make for interesting sledding once I’ve slayed this dragon, to see if I have changed, how it impacts the rest of my life. OR is this a case of “please god, make me OK and I’ll never do it again” then as soon as the crisis passes I instantly go back to my old ways…. pork rinds, Jerry springer, Budweiser, white tank-tops, stained boxers and hitting my old-lady cause she burned the meat-loaf…
We’ll see….
Have a Great Day.
Do you feel you were a bad person before, and simply are not now for lack of mobility? What about being afraid of this makes you less brave in the face of it?
I believe it is impossible not to be changed by every thing that happens in life — the more dramatic the harder the lesson perhaps.
Overall the experience is crap. I hope for you is a better future because of it.
Playing hardball eh?!
No I don’t think I was a bad person just sort of a floating passenger. It’s like, I feel 25, but I’m not – where have those intervening 15 years gone? What are my accomplishments, contributions… … I’m not saying my lack of mobility has made me a better person, just given me the opportunity to explore exactly what kind of person. How I can be better, make my little corner mean something more than, credit card debt and a bunch of stuff I own. You could certainly point to the positive impact I’ve had and made with my kids, because of that I’m certain – I am one fan-freakin-tastic dad. But beyond that… what is there?
As to my being afraid, I suppose I need to re-calibrate my definition of bravery – in my mind it’s still, being terrified of doing something, realizing the dire consequences and doing it anyway… rushing into a burning building, jumping into a raging river etc etc to me, you have every right to feel brave after an escapade like that, you faced danger, you knew it was dangerous and yet, when faced with the option of not doing it – you still choose to rush in…
Whereas calling me brave, to me, feels less brave and more simply resigned to doing what I’m told, go here, have this procedure, take these meds – yes it’s dangerous, yes I know it’s dangerous but what is my option, I’d be an idiot to tell the doctors to go jump in a lake. I don’t feel brave because essentially, I have no choice. Which is why I said maybe I need to re-evaluate my definition. I suppose there is a certain amount of bravery in facing my situation and still trying to remain positive & hopeful. I’ve always thought there would be a certain amount of chest puffing bravado where bravery is concerned and that, I just don’t feel.
I agree whole-heartedly with you about the events in our life being life-changing, seems to me, that’s the point….
Thank you for your thoughtful reply, I hope we all have a better future to look forward to…….
Hola Chris,
Sorry if I came across as harsh but it sounded as though you were bring to hard on yourself. Not that it’s a bad thing to do through life but in excess it bothers me. We are all who we are in essence and finding that and nurturing the goodness is it’s purpose. Anything else is like a rocking chair — your doing something but your not getting anywhere.
That’s fantastic that you are a good father to your children. As for what else there is building new habits and breaking down old ones are a great way to spend down time. I preach a lot but it’s something I do myself (some days more successfully than others) and it brings me happiness.
That’s a very macho ideal of bravery. I completely agree with the rest you’ve said there.
WOW—Deep—