Hey Richard Cranium… I’m Talking to YOU!

My friends, many of you know that I love a good moustache…..

Alrighty, now that we’ve established that…..

Being home and laid up, I’ve spent a whole whack of time on the computer – eventually, believe it or not, you can only enjoy so much LOL Cats and endless videos of guys on UTube getting smoked in the bow-legged swamp donkey. Once that magic has worn off, and I’ve written both blog posts, both this one and my Cult Post “The Celestial Temple of the Elemental Tome” – I’ve found I have energy left to keep writing. In the early days writing both posts was difficult, I was rusty, the ideas didn’t alway come and when they did the words were slow and it was difficult making the whole thing reasonably coherent. As with anything, practice, and you will get better and the activity gets easier…. That’s not to say I breeze through these posts, I don’t (believe it or not) – I’ll assume you won’t believe it based on the childish banality of so many of the entries. But some days, I actually put a lot of thought and write a few different versions, changing a word here, deleting a sentence there, until I think it’s Ok. Well, OK enough for people like you to read….

As I was saying, with practice comes stamina and a renewed desire to put pen to paper or actually, finger to keys. So I’ve been doing just that, a whole bunch more writing and it feels good. I used to write a lot, like 2 or 3 hours a day back during my salad days. Unfortunately, I was getting some serious chaffing from the cabbage and don’t get me started on the swiss chard, I still shudder to remember how long it took the eggplant to come back out – it’s OK to love salad but it’s not ok to LOVE salad – too much salad, is not always healthy my friends……

In writing – economy is key, good writing is using the fewest words possible to convey the most meaning. A great quote, and I apologize for not being able to recall who said it, but it’s one that I’ve always tried to adhere to in my fiction writing  – goes like this –  “Tell em’ what you want to tell em’, then tell em’, then tell em’ you told em'”  the quote was originally intended for screenplays but also works pretty well for general fiction – define the distinct beginning, middle and end.

My point – what with all this writing going on, I have a problem, the only time I feel really hamstrung by not swearing – is in my writing. Sometimes a really good juicy swear just ties everything together so nicely or helps punctuate a furious exchange.

With that in mind, I’ve been working on some alternatives with just as much impact and finesse, ok, see what you think… they are not all swears but interesting euphemisms all the same…

William H Macy – I find it funnier than saying Jesus H Christ

Assumed Room Temperature – dead

Richard Cranium  – dickhead

Do yourself a Disservice – piss your pants

Reversal of Fortune – puke

Salad Dodger – a fat person

Passing Hard Gas – crapping your pants

Roughing up the Suspect – masturbation

Oven Mitt Hot – good-looking man/woman

Taste my Sherry and Biscuits – fellatio

These are a few of the ones I’ve used in the last few weeks that have cracked me up. English, it’s such a wonderful tool when used properly. Now William H Macy, will you leave me alone, so I can spend some time roughing up the suspect, with visions of oven-mitt hotties running around tasting my sherry and biscuits…..



My Sherry & Biscuits, why - what were you thinking?


Have a Great Day.