Tofurkey, Flawless Science & National Awards

I’m too disturbed to write a big post today.

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, we were thinking about heading out to the Supermarket to pick up food & fixin’s’ for the feast – now look here, I few posts back I spoke about the possibility of my adopting a vegetarian diet. But William H Macy, do you have any idea how difficult, even with my considerable artistic talent, it is to shape and form an 18 pound slab of Tofu into something resembling a turkey. I just can’t seem to get the butt end cavity to hold its integrity long enough to put the stuffing in….

Then it hit me, I figured I would be able to slide by on this whole vegetarian thing as long as I was able to creatively incorporate beef, chicken and pork into all my vegetarian dishes… all good. Sounds impossible, I agree BUT listen here friend – I’ve discovered a loophole and here’s the trick, according to the books I’ve been reading – the potent antioxidants, vitamins and minerals are all in the brightly coloured vegetables and fruit…. Solution! …. Make the meat brightly coloured. Genius Level – Achieved.

I’m gonna buy a whole bunch of meat and several large vials of food colouring, Voila….. instant, healthy, vegetarian diet. Yea, you heard me – you can eat all the meat you want and it’s still considered vegetarian – because the meat is colourful, greens, yellows….. It turns out all the bad things in the meat are as a result of the red and brown colouring, they are inherently bad colours – your body, internally – is mostly made up of reds and browns, you see – we can produce those colours naturally on our own – the body needs the bright colours we can’t produce naturally – obviously, given the vast amount of data on the subject, we know from personal experience that the majority of meats are reds and browns, and science agrees that too much meat is bad – therefore it only makes sense that it’s the reds and browns which must be the culprits.

Flawless reasoning, and I’m quite sure all those different food colourings and dyes are safe – or else you couldn’t buy them, right?

So we were off to get the Turkey and that’s when I saw the something that made me so upset.

I had only been vegetarian for what? Less than a week, and it seems the whole corporate industrial food complex had radically changed, I ask you, when is the last time you took a really good look at an organic butcher shop? Well we figured that would be as good a place as any to go get our turkey and I could begin the long process of injecting the mixed dyes into the meat, when in the exotic meat section I found this, with a sticker that said try me grilled;


Some things you can never un-see…. Maybe I’ll give the tofu turkey molding another shot…. Anyways, my experiences should in no way influence your holiday, enjoy your thanksgiving, because this year, more so than usual I really have something to be thankful for… my ongoing recovery and all of you.

Have a Great Day

PS – That reminds me, one of you nominated this blog for best Canadian Humour Blog in the Nation and I’ve made the semi-finals… To be honest I had never heard of them but I rec’d the notification that not only had I been nominated but made it through a series of eliminations – all without my knowledge…. Does it go without saying that I would never join a club that would have me as a member…. Of course I’m kidding, it’s flattering and winning wouldn’t mean much except recognition, a teeny bit of prestige and a ton more readers. OK, obviously I would need to start cultivating an entourage….. Remember folks you made it happen, if no one ever read my idiotic musings, I might have stopped, but sometimes just knowing you were out there motivated me to carry on and of course my own need to purge my thoughts.

So we’ll see what happens, I suppose it would have been smarter to not mention this whole thing – in case I flame out and don’t even make the finals. But as losers everywhere say, it’s an honour just to be nominated, so whomever you are, thank you.