Needlessly Murdering Singers

People, I beg of you, stop clamoring for my attention, although I appreciate your efforts – my affection is not for sale, I care for you all – equally.

I was only kidding about submitting your lists for what you planned on getting me for christmas… I’m sorry  I cannot accept a 2011 Cadillac Escalade, same for the 32 foot cabin cruiser. Although it would be a perfect combo, towing the boat with the Caddy.

It’s imperative that I remain totally impartial, you never know what bit of information I will be morally bound to publish, just in case YOU, yes you, do something the public needs to know. I must feel unencumbered, until now I’ve kept Y’all out of my posts – letting you wallow in your relative anonymity.

For example, I’ve never discussed which of you regularly pee in the coffee pot at your office ‘then walk around saying “my goodness isn’t Starbucks so bitter”, which of you used to be a man (not who you’d think), which of you killed a number of drifters back in high school (not hobos, real members of the 50’s singing sensation, The Drifters) and on and on… but, while silence may be golden, it’s still worth two in the bush.

OK, I’m going to end it early today in the hopes that it will help calm some of the frenzied giving, it’s truly overwhelming, particularly in this difficult economic climate – but let’s at least be practical, seriously – two of you want to buy me a helicopter, it makes no sense, I have no helipad, or pilot – think people, think. While the african safari vacation would be a real learning experience for the kids, it would be tough to decide between that and the space shuttle weekend. I don’t even know where you folks are getting these gifts… Winners?

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Your love, admiration and worship is the only gift I ever need.

Have a Great Day

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