Fires, Filthy Nuns & Knowledge

I wouldn’t call myself racist, I don’t harbour any prejudice and I’ve always believed in giving others a chance until they give me a reason not too… which is why I freaking hate elves so much.

From their stupid little pointed nose down to their stupid pointed shoes, they make me physically sick. The thought of them getting all goobered up and putting their little stink mitts all over boys and girls toys the world over is beyond revolting. Do you know about elves, the disease, the festering, open sores they call mouths… the poor grammar and atrocious spelling, their unholy coupling with wood nymphs.

It’s sickening, even talking about them makes my flesh crawl, filthy little buggers. Not convinced? Think they are all still sweet little chaps up at the North Pole making toys for Santa…. Well how about this widely acknowledged fact – 3/4’s to 4/5’s of all forest fires are started by careless Keebler Elves. Seriously, what kind of idiots install full commercial kitchens in trees to make their stupid cookies and crackers…. duh – wood burns morons…

Don’t even get me started about Snap, Crackle and Pop, the things I’ve seen them do in a bowl of milk would put you right off cereal for the rest of your natural-born life… I still can’t believe those Nuns went along with it…. sometimes my eyes still burn thinking about what I saw that day and I don’t expect I’ll ever think of proctol jelly and corned beef in the same way.

I’m not trying to stir up hatred, particularly at this time of year – but if I don’t use my special knowledge and the information I’ve been able to uncover to the good of humanity, to your betterment…. then my time here will have been for naught. I was given this access pass to life for a reason, and I intend to use it to its fullest.

So come christmas morning, when you see some kid gumming the crap out of their toys… remember that elves have been all up and down that item and conduct yourself and humanities future accordingly. Save the children, kill an elf.



Behold, the Unclean...


Have a Great Day

PS – One person sent me a hello, really? Really? I guess you are all waiting for Christmas morning to surprise me with where you are reading from… that’s sweet. You don’t have to put your name, just tell me where you are from… I don’t work for the IRS or Revenue Canada, it’s not a scam to steal your identity, You aren’t under arrest and I’m trying to get you to show up to claim your prize… I’m not an african prince looking to transfer 13 Million US dollars to your bank account….. don’t be so afraid, reach out to me… unless you are an elf, then go to hell.