Baa Baa Broken Womb… A Nation Weeps

December 22, 2010

Maybe the Dingo ate your baby, and with that we all laughed and drank enough beer to wash away our pain, and inflict permanent liver damage. So began another Christmas I was destined to spend in Australia… I had just opened an online sheep dating service and Kangaroo husbandry agency as an elaborate cover for my crime fighting. The business was a tough sell to my bankers let me tell you – but you should always follow your heart and I was determined – and solving crime is my passion, particularly when it involves ~~sexy~~ animals.

It’s little know fact how pathologically shy sheep are, and that shyness sadly translates to hundreds of thousands of sheep parents too embarrassed to have “the talk” with their kids – the result being total sexual ignorance and a culture of misinformation, leading to abuse and exploitation. The story goes…. the reason I opened the online dating…….. because… well I chose it due to….

…In Australia, Christmas comes in the middle of summer and the temperature often hits a sweltering 100 degrees fahrenheit on Christmas day. During this warm Australian Christmas season, outdoor barbecues have become a part of the Christmas tradition. But that is far from the weirdest of activities down under during the holidays and in an unprecedented push to remove the stigma of sheep dating and establish more acceptable Christmas celebrations… I…. well…. listen here – I feel really tired tonight so I’ll just give you the highlights in point form and you can fill in the rest;

In a tragic case of ‘Don’t ask Don’t tell’ run amok, and in an unparalleled media laden Christmas admission, Rudolph is forced to ‘come out’ as being part sheep on his mother’s side…
In a SWAT raid, several traumatized sheep and 9 boxes of Rohypnol are rescued from Charlie Sheen’s compound and repatriated back to Australia – the 9 boxes of date rape drug are immediately destroyed in a controlled burn…
‘Mutton’ gains credibility via the Oxford English Dictionary for the best new sex act of 2010, “to be muttoned”, the act of muttonry…
Noted sex educators, Dr Ruth Westheimer, in a publicity stunt – marries Dan Savage and they schedule an educational tour of Australia & New Zealand incorporating a female sheep named Glynnis in tantric rituals. Their tour is labelled ‘Baa Baa Broken Womb.’
Critically acclaimed HBO drama ‘OZ’ cast does several live, graphic ‘scared straight’ type shows about the horror and brutality of prison rape and forcible sheep confinement for Kindergartener children…
In a bizarre, misguided show of national support Mel Gibson, Russel Crowe and Nicole Kidman sever their left pinky fingers in a well-intentioned attempt to raise awareness for what they believe to be a shadowy Australian Yakuza, who control all sheep porn…
In a related item, Interpol, KGB and CIA agents are finally able to arrest several key players of the notoriously violent ‘wool’ cartels…

I could go 0n but then, things really start getting weird and I figured why ruin your christmas with some unsavoury Australian activities, file it under – things Chris has seen and experienced so that we may remain blissfully ignorant of the vulgar and seedy underbelly that exists in the shadow. The international blight that is the exploitation of lambchop…

These were smuggled out by agents working deep undercover… please forgive the grainy photos, the photographers risked their lives…