Watering the Charity Garden with Tears of Joy

Well, chalk another one up in the success column for me – when using the “Bathing in the Blood of Innocents” ritual.

It was awesome, couldn’t have gone better if Scarlett Johansson, Salma Hayek, Jessica Biel, Beyonce, Natalie Portman, Jennifer Aniston, Mila Kunis, George Clooney, Halle Berry, Tina Fey….. Oh sweet Jesus who am I kidding nothing could be better than whatever the women on that list – hang on… how did Clooney get in there…. George dammit, get out of my fantasy sequence…

Let’s just leave it at things went very well. As per my doctors orders I am going back slowly, 2 weeks at half time then I am cleared for a return to full-time and finally, life resumes.

As I said my reception was unexpected, it was my first ticker-tape parade and to be honest I have no idea where they even got the ticker-tape, it’s not like this is 1937. I was surprised to see the overwhelming positive reception, I was expecting more of a Jack Ruby type thing down in the parking garage as soon as I got out of the car.

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Why? Well I make it a point to borrow money from as many people as possible, I figure it this way, if they are willing to give, then I am willing to make them feel better about themselves by fostering the inner warmth that comes with the act of giving.

It’s actually a very selfless act on my part, I am willing to sacrifice myself and be corrupted by the monster that is rampant consumerism, while at the same time helping to nurture, water and fertilize the charity garden growing in every citizens heart.

Crikey, the things I do for people…Anyways, after I got out of the parkade without being shot, I was reasonable sure things would go smooth from here on out. I made my way out of the elevator on the third floor, and was immediately greeted by members of my favourite band, – “The Banjo & Bagpipe, Pan Flute Review Trio” and the haunting melodies of the pan flute rang out announcing my arrival. It was very moving, literally – they quickly hustled me into a Palanquin so that I may be regally conveyed into the Head Office foyer…

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This is only an artists rendering as everyone knows that during one of my public appearances, flash photography is strictly forbidden… I’ll tell you this, they had a hell of a time getting the whole thing thru the front door… but eventually we made it and then it was off to review and inspect the receiving line. Again, its common knowledge that no one is to make direct eye contact with me, nor are they to speak unless spoken to. I’m not so self-absorbed to think you wouldn’t find these people willing to supplicant themselves to me, somewhat repulsive and yet, as a living deity, such is my lot.

You will never know what’s it’s like to never be at a loss for a word, to always know where I put my keys, never to lose a pair of sunglasses or an umbrella, to constantly be at one with the universe, to simultaneously exist in both the physical and spiritual realms. It’s like, totally hard. To always know the deepest thoughts and desires of each meat puppet standing before me… yea I said meat puppet – seriously, people are waaaay more gross than you would ever imagine. Just by way of example, check out how gross these feet are…

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Ok I’m sorry about having to show you that – but I believe I’ve made my point. Actually that was really really nasty… I’m not sure I can go on after that – besides I’m quite certain there is some deity business to attend to – so I’ll wrap it up by saying… The first day back, although a half-day, went very well and everyone I saw was very happy to have me back and showed genuine concern for my health and were glad to hear I was on the mend. There were quite a number of new faces but I’ll get to them, and with that we’re back at my borrowing money….

Have a Great Day.

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