Spiders & location, location, location…

This question caused an argument in my house…

Research has found that the average person swallows three spiders while sleeping in a lifetime.

Guess which side I came down on…. yea, of course I did, I am convinced that not only do we eat spiders but I personally seem to eat like a dozen a week. The feeling in my mouth in the morning is just disgusting, I know it’s the meds but, sweet Jesus on a Caramel Cupcake… it often takes a good brushing and then a solid rinse with Javex or Comet before I get that, fresh, clean feeling.

Then I thought well, maybe it isn’t the meds at all, maybe I’m somehow inhaling spiders all night long….. and it got me to thinkin’ and I was off to the online world, where everything is always true….

Here’s what I was able to learn from my friend, the internet;

Realistically, the average number of spiders swallowed at night per person per lifetime is probably less than one. After all, most people breathe while they sleep (at least I do) and spiders, like virtually all arthropods, flee from breath. After all, if you’re an arthropod and something is breathing on you, it’s not a good idea to stick around. Simple enough.

For a spider to get into your mouth while you’re sleeping, (a) you must have your mouth OPEN, which is certainly not universal, so there’s a big chunk of people who can never swallow anything; (b) there has to be a wandering spider in your immediate vicinity, also something which–for most people in the civilized world, at least–is a fairly rare occurrence; (c) the spider has to either jump or fall into your mouth from a long distance, because they won’t go near your mouth otherwise (they’re not suicidal), and the odds are pretty astronomical of a spider randomly dropping into your mouth from the ceiling.

Put it all together, and it would be a miracle for a spider to end up in anyone’s mouth while they’re sleeping… the majority of people probably never swallow ANY spiders in their sleep, so the statistic will be composed of a fair number of people (still a tiny minority) that swallow one or two by accident, plus a vanishingly tiny handful of people who swallow a large number, due to a freak occurrence….. like me…. I started sleeping with one of those Hannibal Lechter masks for my own protection.

I’m not afraid of spiders but that doesn’t mean we holiday together in Hawaii either… I do have a healthy respect for the little fellas – why? May I present exhibit one for your amusement… Meet the brown recluse spider


Now, meet the poor sap bitten by our friend the brown recluse spider…


Like I said… I have a healthy respect…. now, mouth breathers – learn to sleep with your mouth shut and all will be right with the world…. for you… I still most likely, end up with far more protein in my belly after sleeping then before… I wish I knew where they were coming from….

I must overcome the nightly fear and trauma of perhaps eating little Charlotte and a good number of her babies every night – I suppose the chances of that happening would drop dramatically if I stopped sleeping in the barn.

Have a Great Day.