You haven’t been Stabbed? Give it Time…
Regular readers will be well aware of the phenomenally hard road I’ve had to hoe. I can easily say with no word of a lie or exaggeration of any kind that since the very dawn of time, not a single creature has ever had to endure the hardships, mental anguish and general Herculean miasma (a vaporous exhalation believed, during medieval times, to have caused disease) that has been my lot.
I suppose were one to be in an argumentative mood you could, with some pretty intensive internet searching or maybe if you had access to the Vatican library archives or the secret KGB “document” room deep in the bowels of the Kremlin, you may…may – be able to find someone who has suffered more than me. Doubtful. But not theoretically impossible.
But here’s the problem, when you’re the best in the world at something – there’s always someone itching to come along and try and take your crown. Burn victims, nice try…. cancer stricken children, no dice…. P.O.W. torture victim, hardly… – I know it’s just a matter of time before it happens, but for now, I’m the Muhammad Ali of suffering and general malaise.
My crown is without official recognition and at best worldwide – unlike for example, the Miss Universe Pageant, Guinness has repeatedly refused to open a new world record category for me and the irony of that is… by refusing to grant me the suffering world record, they create more suffering and mental anguish for me… thereby solidifying my claim to the record. Flawless logic, that’s what you’re looking at right there my friends. Their continual denial only serves to make me stronger.
Now here’s where all the various plans I have floating around in my head start to gel. Initially, I figured my time in a Moroccan prison for hardcore hamster porn and trafficking exotic driftwood would be wasted, an experience chalked up to nothing more than an experience. Until I met Jasmina, the wooden legged, ancient cook and laundry supervisor at the prison, we became fast friends and without a doubt she’s the reason I survived the ordeal. Now stay with me, because this will be spectacular, both from a brutal prison violence standpoint and a marketing entrepreneur point of view.
If you’re anything like me, you have a drawer full of old toothbrushes. Why? Can’t say for certain, but it’s a well know fact I’ve always had a hard time throwing away my old toothbrushes, it’s my only flaw. Unless you count my racism and denial of the holocaust.
Anyways, let’s go over what we know, I have a bunch of old toothbrushes, I need to find a way to make some money, I’ve been in a Moroccan prison and I don’t play well with others… I smell a business opportunity. So here’s my proposal, and wait until the end because I’ll be soliciting investors with a stock split after my IPO.
Using nothing but my streets smarts, old toothbrushes and a slab of concrete outside my patio, I intend to scrape the toothbrushes on the cement, sharpening them to a potentially lethal point and thereby fashion them into prison shivs. Here’s why it’s a win win… the prison population has been steadily increasing for years, a toothbrush doesn’t just become a deadly weapon by itself, dudes in prison will shank you over something as trivial as a little bit of anal rape… so sensitive…. Anyways, I already have the product so capital cost would be minimal, demand would be significant, with very little marketing, all we’d need would be a couple of well publicized prison yard stabbings and I am cleaning blood off my hands all the way to the bank.
I make money, the inmates get protection and/or shived, also the company is completely green and carbon neutral because I’m recycling old toothbrushes rather than sending them to the landfill. It’s a can’t miss, guaranteed winner. Supply and demand and scarcity of product, not to mention the difficulties in shipping product to the end-user ensure a steady high price point. Plus if I sharpen the reach brushes with the padded contour handles, bam, price goes up… Ergonomic shivs… also it will cut down on repetitive shank injuries, say goodbye to carpel tunnel you serial stabbers.
Ok so the line starts here, no pushing, first come first served, I’ll be issuing an initial IPO of 10 shares at $5000 a share. The 10 shares being offered total 49% of total company ownership – I retain the remaining 51%. Folks, this is the next facebook, you need to get in on this NOW. Don’t pass this by only to complain later about how you had a chance to get in on the ground floor. This is Microsoft, Walmart, Apple before they exploded… I’m offering these to you, my friends first before I open the doors wide and the venture capitalists swoop in and make me rich beyond my wildest dreams…
Either that or some disgruntled, paroled inmate drops by and stabs me with my own product…. either way my troubles are over, rich or dead…
Win – Win….
Have a Great Day