They Should have Listened to ME…

I really wanted to post last night but I was sicker than a dog….. why dogs? I can’t remember every seeing a sick dog, where does the saying come from? But I digress…

Ok, so here’s the thing…. I didn’t watch the Oscars on Sunday. But I PVR’d them and just finished watching them earlier last night… then, I. Couldn’t. Stop. Retching……….. Worse. Oscars. Ever.

At one point I actually considered driving to LA to beat Franco & Hathaway to death with one of the Oscar Statues, probably the best “special effects” statuette… because and stay with me here because it’s brilliant… everyone would assume it was just Hollywood magic as their heads opened like ripe melons on a summer’s day…. I’d be long gone by the time they realized they were really dead. Besides I’m pretty sure based on their hosting skills, no one would be in too much of a hurry to find them when they didn’t make it back out to puke some lame schtick on the poor huddled masses.

Besides they had Billy Crystal & Sandra Bullock right there in the studio – both were far more charming and “host-y” than either of the other boobs…

Not to mention my dis… Oh god – it’s another huge retch.. gotta go….

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Ok I’m back – here’s my idea, and keep in mind, I’m an idea guy…. they should have got Charlie Sheen and Gary Busey to host… NOW WE GOT A SHOW – HELL WITH THOSE GUYS HOSTING YOU COULD MAKE THE OSCARS PAY PER VIEW!  Because if you… oh sweet Jesus in a wood panel ford taurus wagon, more retch….ing…

Why oh why do the Academy Awards – an awards ceremony dedicated to the art of filmmaking, I remind you – rely on the conventions of live theater? Be it the show’s atrocious history of using interpretive dance to visualize Original Scores (which were already pretty well visualized through, I dunno…the films), the increasingly embarrassing canned banter between the presenters or a bizarre tendency to devolve into musical numbers for no particularly good reason other than there’s not much else you can do on a stage, practically everything that has become synonymous with the Oscars feels dated, forced and irrelevant to the subject at hand. Even the trope of a live emcee quipping his way through a production interspersed with live performances and sketch comedy is a holdover from the variety shows of the 1940’s and 1950’s, when such entertainment was still relevant. And in case you haven’t noticed, the variety show is deader than Smell-O-Vision. Here’s a question for you: Why do we need to focus so much on the stage?

Film is not a live medium. Just because the Oscars are on TV doesn’t mean the Academy needs to bend over backwards to accommodate the needs of a different art form. And film sure as hell isn’t musical theater. It’s a calculated amalgam of many unique talents, each of which are honored by the Academy and many of which are conspicuously absent from the actual awards show. The highlights of the 83rd Annual Academy Awards – besides Kirk Douglas – were the segments filmed ahead of time. The opening Inception homage, the amusing auto-tuning sketch and the surprisingly thrilling montage of the Best Picture nominees at the end (even if using The King’s Speech as a framing device was unfairly biased towards the inevitable winner) all demonstrated the unique possibilities of the filmic medium. James Franco in a dress did not, even if it did make you question your sexuality of choice.

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So clearly I couldn’t post yesterday… I was experiences some post oscar traumatic stress disorder… I’ve regained my composure.

Have a Good Day

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