Swarthy Good Looks & My Impressive Spout

I said I was coming back, but I didn’t say when now did I?

I have been incredibly busy trying to get a handle on this Fukushima nuclear bother – I had gotten things under control enough that I was able to leave Japan just this morning. Turns out during the earthquake a plug had fallen out of the socket – in the confusion no one had discovered it. Once I plugged in the cord, everything started returning to normal. We should be all good now…. well except for that gigantic radioactive cloud covering the world with a fine dusting of magical cancer sprinkles…

I think we can all pretty much agree that Asians are lousy when it comes to science, particularly the Japanese. Wow – already with the racism…. Back for a grand total of exactly one post and I’ve already won the race to the bottom…. I apologize, but I can’t help it. It’s the camps – none of you were in the camps with me, the conditions, the inhumanity, the horror… in some ways it feels as if my very soul were stained with the filth of a thousand indignities. I used to be a very peace-loving, happy-go-luck (also some other hyphenated words) person – but that was before – before the camps.

How do I explain being the only member of my family sent to the camps? I chalk it up to racial profiling and an unfortunate luck of the draw. You see – my family is your prototypical white middle class suburbanites. Except me, who for whatever reason was born exceptionally swarthy, very, very middle eastern looking – in hindsight probably not my best decision to convert to Islam on a lark but there it is. Clearly I was rebelling against my homogeneous roots. The restrictive confines of my devout Amish upbringing contributing to this. I’ll admit this much about that time of my life – I could really rock the straw hat while working the babes at barn raisings…


But I digress, after 7/11 – I was caught up in the racial profiling that swept the world. Of course I’m talking about 7/11 corner stores and the generally accepted stereotype that dictated only middle eastern folks worked behind the counters. Anyways, I went into a store to get myself a large slurpee and before I knew what was happening I found myself shackled in the back of a non-descript black van, a bag over my head and I remember at some point, them forcing me to change into a small teapot costume. It was horrible, although I must admit, the spout was extremely flattering…..

All of that is neither here nor there.

Actually going back over this I’m not sure I’m making much sense… Ok look to make a long story short, that’s why to this day I can’t stand the sight of dried figs and goats milk, except on my feet. Yes, Ok I get it, this has obviously left some pretty significant scars on my psyche. But I’ve never been able to make the connection between what happened to me and my craving for Turkish delight.

Right, now you’re just being silly… this post stopped making sense a long time ago… if you have nothing constructive or informative to say… then wrap it up… if you do – then get on with it…

I  guess what I am trying to say is just this, I read an interesting article today where some scientist sat down and figured out that by the time the average North American resident hits age 65 they will have watched 9 years of television. NINE years…. sitting passively, glued to a glowing box. That is madness.

Now let me tell you about my new 60 inch LED TV, Blue-Ray player and PVR……. just kidding.

There, that was all I wanted to say – nine years is an awful long time, coincidentally that’s exactly how long I spent in the camps…. now if I can make it out of that hell-hole to live a productive life, seizing the crap out of the day – then surely you can watch one less episode of Seinfeld a week (that you’ve seen at least 5 times already)…. maybe it’s just the Amish in me talking but hey, one less program a week – it’s a start.

Have a Great Day