I Know You’re Frustrated… How Can I Always be This Right?….

I spent some time figuring out the worlds problems, you tend to do that when you are sitting around concentrating on breathing…. Well Ok maybe you don’t, but I do. Of course that makes sense, none of you have the resources I have, the international luminaries hanging on my every word, the hotlines to influential leaders across the globe, the bat jet, and wonder woman’s old invisible plane – but I do. So even if you did come up with ways to remedy the world’s problems you’d have no vehicle to make them so… but I do.

You’ve read here about many of my International projects, some that worked – some that failed miserably, some still in progress and some I’m unable to discuss with you. The problem, as I see it, with the world today –  one of them anyways, they are too numerous to mention here ( if I spent the rest of my life in a room full of monkeys and typewriters… ummm… I can’t remember the point I was going to make BUT you can be damned sure it was uber-relevant). Now I told you that, to tell you this, the problem with the world today – circuses don’t have animals anymore.

Back when I was in short pants, a visit to the circus was something you looked forward to all year-long. The big top was home to a wide selection of nimble contortionists, motley clowns, sideshow freaks and sketchy carnies on the run from the law. It was the embodiment of the all people and as fine a representation of our culture as there ever was.

Everyone loved a three-ring circus and one of the highlights of the trip was watching a majestic African elephant dancing in a tutu – wondering all the while if this would be the day it would finally lose its mind, shed its chains and try to kill us all.

Nowadays, though, having animals in a circus is considered a crime. People get all up on their hind legs if anyone dares try to put a dress on an appaloosa or asks a seal to play Camptown Races on the squeak horn. They petition, they picket, they moan and scream bloody murder about animal abuse and animal rights.

Animal rights? Last time I checked, animals didn’t have any rights. That’s why we’re free to own them, eat them and hunt them to extinction. And judging by the steak I ate last night, if animals do have protection under the law they’re doing a damned lousy job of enforcing it.

Not only have lion-hugging zealots removed animals from circuses – they’ve sucked the fun out of them in entirely. Nowadays, circuses are all damned Broadway productions with atmospheric sound tracks, smoke machines, laser light shows and a $200 entrance fee. Clowns don’t wear red noses or stuff themselves in tiny automobiles, no one gets shot out of cannons and I haven’t seen a decent freak since I was last home for Christmas.

In my view, the circus has become just another national institution we’ve ruined like the moving pictures, radio serials and censorship. So do yourself damned favor and the next time the circus rolls into town, put away your placards, buy a bag of peanuts and go watch a monkey riding on an elephant’s back. It’s a fine tradition and as Canadian as poutine, hockey and bearded ladies. Circuses don’t have animals anymore. That’s the problem with the world today.

I just want to stress here that these aren’t my opinions – they are all facts…. cold….. hard…. facts.


Have a Great Day