Propofol, Latin Hookers & Pacemakers
As I was saying, there was a slight discomfort in the chestal region.
They give you some meds during the procedure to help you endure the 5 ticket ride. I found out later that they use the drug that killed Michael Jackson (Propofol) so that’s something else I apparently have in common with The King of Pop, we also both have Ferris wheels on our Estates.
Now this Propofol is some pretty freaky stuff and it messes you up real good – so I can neither vouch for nor deny this next part happened – but I was told that during my foggy haze, I loudly declared, that I was converting to Islam. One of my girlfriends who sat weeping next to my bed, which one was it, it was a friday and friday is latin days, so it must have been Juanita, no wait she had asked for the day off – well that only leaves Maria or Alejandra, whichever – doesn’t matter, one of the Latinas said that after declaring my intention to convert I shouted out that it was the one true way. When she asked me what I was talking about, I responded, she claims, that I said – Allah had spoken to me….
Now, what the hell was going on in my head while I was in the shadow realm? Where did this come from, I’m not sure I believe her – I thought she might be messing with me, but I know when she’s lying or trying to keep money from me, after a night on the street. Don’t care what they say as long as bitches have my money. Man, it’s hard out here for a pimp….
Anyways, like I said I can neither deny nor confirm that any of that was said but she swears I did, so… I was thinking now, with Bin Laden dead, I guess there is a job opening….
Anyways, once I was fully back amongst the conscious, the doctor came over and said “you sir, are one stubborn S.O.B.” so I shot him. Ok not really geez, I just said I was groggy cut me some slack… I – mind shot him…. So then he proceeded to say that a first ablation is normally about 60 – 70% effective, a second ablation takes the percentage of success up to about 80 – 85% and a third ablation bring the success rate up to about 95%. That, in conjunction with the meds, the ablations and the cardioversions – the success rates climb to about 99.6% — so almost everyone in the world… except me.
He said my total lack of response to any treatment, has left us no choice but to kick it up a notch, and have a pacemaker installed – then he gave an Emeril like yelp saying “BAMM” — pacemaker, inserted… in… me.
So that’s that. I asked if it would clear up all the fibrillation and flutter and he said yes, I asked if it meant I could stop taking all the drugs, he said yes. That sounds good to me. Apparently pacemakers are no longer like the Johnson outboard motors of years past, they are tiny, the battery runs for between 7 and 10 years and there are two types. One has a built-in accelerometer, so the faster and more violent your body moves, the more it speeds up, sensing that you are being active…. the second version, monitors your breathing – so the faster and harder you start breathing the more it speeds up. Were I to get the second version it would put a huge crimp in my obscene phone call activities, heavy breathing would set me off….
So the next step is to get on the waiting list for pacemaker surgery, then after that heals, I go back in for another operation where they destroy the Sinal Atrial Node, the little spark plug sending out the errant electrical pulses – the pacemaker now takes over his job. I assume the node is a he… forgive my misogyny.
So pretty much that’s it. I wait, again until the next step. It’s pretty scary, to be dependent on a little tiny machine keeping you alive. Yes, there are 3 million people throughout the world with pacemakers but they are all average – not the special, guiding light that is me. There was one other challenging thing. I went to my GP after the weekend to get his take on things – he’s been with me for 20 years and knows me inside and out, literally… eeeewww. I trust him and wanted his opinion, that was when he popped my balloon, he said that he believes that given the situation, the Pacemaker is the best decision for me, to help improve quality of life and stability. Allowing me to get back into work and into life…. HOWEVER – more than just popping my balloon, he shot me full in the face with his next statement.
He said – given that I have been such a difficult case, and that I had been utterly unaffected by the ablations, the meds, the cardioversions and the surgeries – that I should definitely hope for the best but – I should take care to not be totally devastated if the problem did not completely go away. For almost anyone else it would be a final solution to wellness – but I need to be open to the fact that with all I have going on, there may never be a simple fix. So that was pretty tough to hear. After the cardiac surgeon said no more trouble, no more meds…. To think it still might not be over…. I have a second or I guess third opinion when I meet with my other cardiologist, so we’ll see what he says. I assume he will be all – hell’s yea, let’s do it. Mainly because last time I saw him he mentioned that because I was still unable to maintain sinus rhythm, we should seriously put the pacemaker option on the table.
Statistically, it makes sense to get it and they are all foot on the gas for me to do it… but how many levels of suck would that be if I go through all these new procedures, get the pacemaker, and it doesn’t help. Now that is unthinkable. Because if it doesn’t work, there are no other options, I live with it until the inevitable stroke hits.
Well, this is a pretty long post, not much fun either but that’s the way things have been going lately, well almost 5 years to be specific… so there you have it – Y’all are up to date. Congratulations for making it this far…
Have a Great Day