Freud, The Grinch & Mushroom Clouds of Suck

Ok I’m a bit late with the whole medical weekly roundup thing. But, far be it from to besmirch the sanctity of Canada’s birthday.

So – here goes…. hey, first – how about a quick recap… OK, makes sense… ……….   things have sucked.

Nice commentary Mike, Let’s go to the replay, OK you can clearly see things are well into the sucking, here, here and over here near the foul line – but its not until he gets well inside the red zone when we see some serious suck-i-tude… Look, here where he valiantly tries to keep two feet in-bounds against nearly insurmountable odds, there just is no quit in this kid…. now back to the studio, right after this message from our sponsor.

Well that actually did sum things up quite well, things have been a bit, ummmm let’s say difficult and leave it at that.

Since late December in the year of our Lord 2010 anno domini, I have been in constant, fibrillation and flutter encompassing both the left and right atrial chambers, which occasionally migrates into a ventricular anomaly. Basically, what this all translates into  – well it’s exactly like the dozens of words the Inuit have for snow, no matter what I’m saying or what medical terminology I may be throwing out there – it all pretty much just means, simply – “suck”

Actually I believe you’ll find suck is indeed a medical term, coined by Freud in his great Salzburg treatise regarding one of his patients a Mr Rico Suarez – it seems Rico was having nightmares, which the MD’s, who initially introduced the case to Freud, were treating with a complicated series of needles and injections – through his eyes and directly into his brain. These procedures were explained to Mr Suarez using the universal liar perpetrated by all Doctors since the dawn of time – “you’re going to feel some pressure here” un-huh – like as in the pressure of being forced into a Nuclear subs torpedo tube and jettisoned at the bottom of Mariana’s Trench – “like that kind of little pressure Doctor?”

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Let’s pause for a “one to grow on” science minute – Mariana Trench is the deepest point in Earth’s oceans. The bottom there is 35,840 feet below sea level. If Mount Everest, were placed at this location it would be covered by over one mile of water.

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So Ok, it’s deep – the pressure, she would be significant. It was a joke, the doctor was saying some pressure and I was saying pressure like the Mari… never mind  – god, why do you have to make everything so difficult, why do you always take so bloody long getting ready whenever we try and go out somewhere, it just makes your stupid face so…… Oh, sorry…. different argument.

OK I made that Freud thing up, hot damn I can write –  I just know all y’all had your encyclopedias out looking into our friend Mr Suarez and his story. Please…. as if Freud and his buddies would waste time with a Mexican….. Bam – vicious racism from out of nowhere, this whole article has just spun off into a smoldering pile of oily rags about to ignite….

I apologize, sometimes the words, they just come and I am powerless…. So I had had 7 months of constant heart abnormalities, you know that and if you don’t there about 7 million previous posts you can go back and read to catch up on my whole pathetic story – it’s epic. So – 7 months of professional suck and we blast through all possible solutions – to me it feels like we’ve not only tried terrestrial solution but several that were, if not out and out alien technology – they were definitely based on some hinky science out of Area 51.

Finally, nothing has worked, we decide I’m out of options, we will, ha – I mean I will basically “suck it” and get the pacemaker. They assure me, it ‘s the right thing to do, not only will I get a regular ventricular rhythm back, but, and almost more importantly, I can get off all these drugs causing so much other grief in my life. Oh man there just aren’t enough words to tell you every single side effect and “odd” reactions I’ve had to all these pills.

Sometimes I honest to god wonder if I could go back in time and see all the crushing misery and procedures & operations & hospital stays and emergency room visits and lying in beds convinced I would be dead within the next 10 minutes, if I wouldn’t just say nope – no can do and then take the easy way out.

But that’s not the case and I’m the frog in the pot of boiling water, how did I get here so far and so deep into this hot water? But finally, we have an end of the road scenario and the pacemaker is the A-Bomb to my hearts Hiroshima, it’s about to win the war and my heart will surrender unconditionally. 7 months of constant bad times, on top of the 6 years previous – and last monday was the final meeting to explain all the pacemaker information and discuss the surgery date.

Well, the world decided to have a little fun “Hey, Chris, we can still see a tiny bit of testicle hanging there, hold on while we kick you just one more time and drive your marbles good and deep”

How, how did the world kick me? with not one word of a lie – about 15 minutes before my appointment, my heart went into perfect sinus rhythm. Like perfect, text-book – before the appointment you always get an ekg/eeg and it couldn’t have been more bang on. For the first time in 7 months, now understand for six years I had it paroxysmal, so it comes and goes, could be a 15 minute episode or 3 days, but it went away for some period. Not this time, 7 months solid, every day and every night, constantly – then – nothing, perfect…. suddenly I’m Lance freaking Armstrong – best heart in the world, I’m the Grinch, on christmas morning, my heart growing 3 sizes and swelling with awesomeness.

So – oh yes my pretties – there’s more…. but this post is long enough for tonight…. I promise the next post will tell you how profoundly wrong it all went – I would hate for anyone to get all positive and hurrah that’s great, sinus rhythm – because… well let’s just wait for the conclusion and then you are free to make your mind up about what it all means…..

Have a Great Day.

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