Things to do when You’re Dead

Fancy yourself an interesting individual? Wondering how you can express your creativity after your death? I am. What about having something funky done with your body? Ok maybe this hasn’t been the type of thing on your mind lately, luckily I’m on it…. finding weird ways you can deal with your empty shell after you have shuffled off this mortal coil. I have only included the legal possibilities – there are a surprising number of illegal things you can do with your remains, but I’ll leave you to figure those out. Personally I like 4 & 6….. both of them are worthy alternatives to my original plan which was to be have me shipped to the taxidermist, then my stuffed body would be shared in 2 weeks increments by whoever shows at my funereal…… this better not keep you from coming or I WILL haunt you…..

Onto the marginally better choices…..

1. Ashes to Portraits – They combine a special mixture involving oil paint and your ashes and then have a resident artist create a one of a kind portrait.

2. Carbon Copies –  This is a 240 pencil set made from the carbon of your cremains. Each pencil is gold foil stamped with the name of the deceased. Only one pencil can be retrieved at a time, it is then sharpened back into the box. Over time, the pencil box fills with the shavings, which then can be displayed once the pencils are gone.

3. Alkaline Hydrolisis – Your body gets dissolved in Lye and turned into a brownish, coffee coloured syrupy residue. The liquid has the consistency of motor oil and carries a strong smell of ammonia, but it is completely sterile and can be safely poured down the drain.

4. Heavens Above Fireworks – creates special fireworks incorporating their special recipe and your ashes for a truly spectacular memorial extravaganza.

5. Ecological Burial – An extremely environmentally friendly way to be buried – your body is turned into an organic, odorless, hygienic powder with the dangerous compounds such as mercury removed from your body. The remains are then added to mulches and soils to be used in growing flowers and trees.

6. Life Gem – Offers a high quality diamond, created from the carbon in your body.

7. Eternal Reefs – A reef ball is a steel sphere, a persons cremains are sealed inside the ball, which is then strategically lowered into the ocean to eventually become part of a living reef.

8. Space Burial – A process in which a small portion of your remains are put into a special container roughly the size of a tube of lipstick and launched from a rocket once it is in orbit.

The fireworks would be cool only because the thought of all my ashes raining down upon the spectators is kind of funny and the diamond is sort of cool because…. well… it`s a diamond. The pencil is also sort of cool, however who uses pencils anymore, to think your remains would be primarily used on doodles and hastily scribbled phone numbers is not particularly glamorous…… I`ll keep looking, but for now I`m still leaning towards the getting stuffed, so clear a spot in your living room for me……

Have a Great Day.