Maybe A Shark Cage Would Help…

So. Let’s you and me have a little talk.

Don’t worry there’s plenty of time to catch you up on the medical goings-on, and we will. But first and perhaps more importantly… it may be the single most important thing I want you to take from all these writings. I can’t stress enough how much I want you to retain this quite possibly life saving information. I know I’ve joked around like this before but this is serious and I want you to listen to me very very carefully. Here goes…

We decided to get a new kitten, yep a teeny, tiny, defenseless kitten. Maybe weighs a pound – if you tied a 1/2 pound weight around his neck. Small – are you feeling me? The kitten is little.

So, and now here’s the thing I want you to take away from me, my warning to you…. if you ever… EVER get a kitten… ever – DO NOT under any circumstances be on a heavy dose of blood thinners…

Sweet Jesus in chocolate chip muffin mix, that bloody little cat has torn my legs up to the point where I look like I wake up every morning and crawl over 300 feet of barbed wire. We actually stopped the car in the downtown east-side a couple of days back and just for comparison, we had a crack-whore, heroin-addict hold out her arms… they were far better looking than mine.

Seriously, it’s like trying to french kiss a retarded wolverine – poor little fella has no idea what his claws can do… and like an idiot you just sit around saying awwww, he’s so cute. Until the retard, literally skewers my leg, last night we used what’s left of my thigh to strain the spaghetti we had for dinner. Basically everything below my waist is useless. A gigantic colander, I’ve taken to wearing those air filled compression pants they give to burn victims.

It’s cute for .008 seconds until he hits another artery, then we all sit around tearing up sheets to make me yet another tourniquet… we’re completely out of belts and sticks – we’ve had to move on to torn strips of sheets… I have no idea what I do next….. bleed out I suppose.

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I tried to take a picture of him for you but it’s like… well, it’s like… Ok image you are sitting in a box, the box is completely devoid of light save for a miniscule, single pinhole, with a camera pointing out that pinhole, now imagine that box is moving in a westerly direction at Mach 4 – or 4 times the speed of sound – and just then, moving from the east is a meteorite, also traveling at Mach 4 and that kitten is clinging on to the front of it with the impossibly sharp, titanium death needles he calls claws. Do you have any idea how infinitesimal the margin of error would be in snapping that particular picture, through the pinhole as the Mach 4 box and the Mach 4 meteorite cross paths… that – that my friends gives you some idea of what taking a picture of our retarded cat is like.

By the time you get the camera out of the case, never mind turning it on, just out of the case, he has already opened at least three good, solid gashes somewhere on your body, (gashes that would make a columbian drug lord proud), tipped over a lamp, eaten a fair size hole through some drywall and re-written several laws of thermodynamic physics.

There’s no way he’s a cat from Earth.

You know friends, all those many years ago, as I sat eating frosted flakes in my PJ’s, I assumed Speedy Gonzalez, and the Road Runner were so fast as to be an impossibility, uh-uh.. it wasn’t fiction my friends – those were documentaries, warnings if you will….

Warnings I was too foolish not to heed – seriously, you know why they used Lions, Alligators & Tigers in the Roman Coliseum during the gladiatorial games – because if they used kittens, the fights would have been over too fast.

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OH my god, I think I hear him coming, be quiet, be very quiet, I have to stop typing, he can’t know I’m in here…. I need to go tear up some more sheets…. somebody, anybody – forgive us, for we know not what we do.

Next post I will fill you in on the medical stuff…. if I make it that long.

Have a Great Day